The Unforgiven
by LadyWallace
Summary: AU for "Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets" Cas reunites with Ishim when angels from his old garrison are found dead and old memories come back to haunt him, especially when he realizes that Lily Sunder's case is more complicated than he remembered. Cas soon finds himself caught between his past and present in a mission that turns out more dangerous than expected.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! I'm back to the usual posting schedule now. First of all I hope you all had a lovely Christmas, and will have a nice New Year too. Here's a brand new story for you! This is an AU of 'Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets" with some Cas backstory.**

 **So while this is a n episode AU it's not as drastic of a change as some of my AUs are, most of the changes happen later, but the first part is kind of an 'extended edition' of the episode. There will be lots of dialogue taken from the show which obviously wasn't originally mine. There's also a lot of flashbacks with Cas backstory that probably has a lot of head-canon about angels and their garrisons. The flashback storyline kind of ended up sounding like a classic military adventure series because for some reason I was channeling Horatio Hornblower and Richard Sharpe story lines when I wrote it LOL But as always I hope you all enjoy!**

The Unforgiven

A Supernatural Fanfic

Chapter One

Castiel stared at the boards he had set up in the war room in the bunker where he put all the information he had collected on Kelly Kline. Newspaper articles, security camera footage, maps marked with places she could be, or routs she could have taken…it was an organized disaster, and even though he had put it together, hoping it would help him see the bigger picture more clearly, he found it was doing no such thing. He was just as unsure of where the woman had gone now as he had been before. He was about ready to give up the idea of ever finding Kelly Kline.

Except he couldn't. He didn't have that luxury. Kelly was carrying a nephillim, Lucifer's own child, and the danger that child could bring to the world, the pure catastrophic power it could accomplish, there was nothing that truly scared Castiel more.

He took a deep sigh, and lowered his head into his hands, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He had a slight headache behind his eyes, something that didn't typically happen to him, but this was enough to give even an angel a headache.

He pushed off from the table he had been leaning against and headed for the kitchen. Perhaps some more coffee would be in order. Besides, it was almost time for Sam and Dean to be up and they would definitely want coffee.

Castiel felt a dull ache start in his gut as he thought of the Winchesters. Well…Dean in particular. The elder Winchester had practically been ignoring him since he had killed Billie the reaper. Castiel was happy to ignore him back for as long as Dean thought that would work, but he just wished he understood where his friend was coming from. Why Dean was so angry. After all, Castiel had saved him and Sam—had saved _Mary_. He knew he wasn't in the wrong; he couldn't stand to lose any of his friends, his family. He just wondered why Dean took so much offense to his actions. Did Dean want to die so badly that he hated Cas for taking that opportunity away from him?

Castiel sighed heavily as he poured water into the pot and measured out the coffee grounds. He knew that eventually they were going to have to discuss it, though, frankly, even the idea of trying to drag anything like that out of Dean was exhausting; and from the looks Sam was increasingly shooting his brother these days, he had no better idea about what Dean's problem was than Castiel did.

Castiel turned on the coffee pot and went over to the cupboard to grab a cup when a voice suddenly tore into his head, stopping him for a second, furrowing his brow.

He never listened into angel radio anymore, not unless he was contacted directly, like he was now.

 _Castiel_ , the voice called. _Please, anyone! If you can hear me, I need help! Please come, please, I need—_

The voice cut off suddenly and Castiel staggered. He clutched the countertop, sucking in a breath as he straightened, his dull headache worse now after the voice invaded his mind. But it was a familiar voice, one of an old friend.

"Benjamin," Castiel breathed out loud. He hadn't even known Benjamin was still alive. As sad as it was, he hadn't had the opportunity to follow up on any of his old comrades, even the ones he had been particularly close with, and he and Benjamin had been close—they'd fought in the same garrison for a while…Castiel shook off _those_ old memories. He didn't want to go there now, though it was almost impossible to think of Benjamin without remembering everything else.

It was then he heard voices further in the bunker and knew Sam and Dean were up. Castiel realized that the coffee had finished brewing, and he had been standing there longer than he thought.

He snapped into action then. If Benjamin was in trouble, and had taken the time to call out to him personally, then Castiel would answer. He had been able to do so little for his brothers and sisters of late that he felt he had to do this, even though he would have always come if Benjamin called anyway. He always had in the past.

He shook off the shock of hearing from his old friend again, and strode out of the kitchen and towed the war room where he had caught the tail end of Sam and Dean's conversation, hesitating only slightly, as he wondered whether he should interrupt or not.

"Look," Sam's voice came down the hallway. "Cas killed Billie, but he _saved_ us. He saved Mom. How long as you gonna stay pissed?"

"I'm not pissed that he cares about us, you know," Dean retorted. "I'm grateful. But Billie said that there would be _cosmic consequences_ if that deal got broken—you have any idea what that means?"

"No," Sam replied, in a drawn out voice.

"Neither do I, but I'm pretty sure it ain't jellybeans and g-strings."

Castiel wanted to sigh again. Of course he wasn't an idiot. He too, knew that nothing good could come of these 'cosmic consequences'. But nor did he regret his actions. He certainly wasn't going to apologize for it, no matter where it led. He was just glad it was him that would likely take the brunt of it this time instead of the Winchesters.

"My point is," Sam continued as Cas decided it was time to join the brothers. "Cas thought he was doing the right thing."

"I _was_ doing the right thing," he couldn't help but say with some annoyance as he stepped into the room.

"You sure about that?" Dean asked, not even looking at Castiel, making him even more frustrated with the elder Winchester. The least he could do was tell him his issues to his face.

"Yes," he insisted with a short exasperated sigh.

"Well, I'm not so sure," Dean grunted. "And when the other shoe drops…"

"I'll deal with it," Castiel replied wearily. He continued past the Winchesters toward the stairs leading to the bunker's exit. "There's fresh coffee in the kitchen. I need to go."

Sam perked up with interest, beginning to get up from the chair he had been perched in. "You got a lead on Kelly?"

"No," Castiel hesitated, turning around. "This is personal." He hoped that might be enough to keep the Winchesters from following him. He wasn't sure he wanted them to come with him on this. Wasn't sure he wanted them to see any old wounds that might open due to the nature of this mission.

Of course, Dean was instantly on the alert. "Meaning what?" he demanded.

Castiel bristled, but tried to keep civil. After all, he could understand Dean's worry. What with 'cosmic consequences' hanging over their heads and all. Castiel knew they at least deserved to know why he was leaving, otherwise, they might get even more suspicious than they already had.

"Another angel, and old friend, he called out for help."

"Oh, good old, reliable angel radio," Dean said condescendingly.

"He was begging for help," Castiel explained a little sharply. "And then he just stopped. I need to know if he's still alive."

"Yeah, alright," Sam said, standing up. "We'll come with you."

Castiel cast a quick glance between the two brothers, lingering with narrowed eyes on Dean before turning back to address Sam. "Both of you?"

Sam shifted and turned to look at his brother expectantly.

Dean rolled his eyes slightly and stood from where he had been perched on the edge of the table. "Sure," he said. "We can help. And make sure you don't do anything else stupid."

Castiel sighed and rolled his eyes, shaking his head slightly, as Sam imitated his reaction, shooting a look at his brother. Dean just ignored them and pushed away from the table. "Let's get ready to go then. We leave in ten."

He strode from the room and Castiel watched him go with a mixture of emotions he wasn't even sure how to read himself. Part of him was angry at Dean's reaction; another part was wondering whether Dean wasn't justified. But again, he wasn't going to regret his decision. Not when he still had both brothers and Mary alive and well.

"Cas," Sam said with a sigh. "Look, man, I'm sorry about Dean. You know how he gets. Just give him some time. He'll come around again. He always does."

"Yes," Castiel replied wearily and turned to the younger Winchester. "Don't worry about it. I just want to go and see if my friend is all right."

Sam shifted, mouth quirking as if he wanted to say something else, but Dean came back into the room then, bags slung over his shoulder and thermoses full of coffee, and nodded toward the steps. "Well, what are we waiting for? If we're going, let's go!"

Sam and Castiel shared a look as Dean preceded them up the steps.

Castiel felt even more exhausted than he had before. This was going to be a rough trip.

* * *

 _The silence in the Impala_ on their drive was exactly what Castiel had expected. Dean stared at the road ahead, brooding, as Castiel watched the rain slip across the windows from his seat in the back.

Sam seemed to find the heavy silence annoying, because he started fidgeting, and finally reached for the radio. "Alright, who wants music?"

"I'm good," Dean said instantly.

"You're…" Sam gave a small, exasperated grunt in the back of his throat, obviously deciding it wasn't worth it to get into it with his brother now. "Okay."

A few seconds later he turned back to look at Castiel, who really didn't want to talk right now, even to Sam, who he really didn't have a problem with. In fact he felt bad for the younger Winchester, obviously doing his best to play advocate between Castiel and Dean.

"Cas, is there anything specific we should know about your friend?" Sam asked.

Castiel turned to look out the window again. Just the mention of Benjamin made his stomach turn. He had a feeling something horrible had happened to him, after all this time, after all the struggles they had been through.

Unfortunately, the silence seemed to only exasperate Sam more. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Alright, guys…this…silent treatment thing, it's silly, it's not gonna work. Whatever we're walking into we should probably have, you know, an actual plan."

Castiel sighed, knowing Sam was right. "What do you want to know?"

"Oh, he speaks," Dean snarked.

Castiel shot a look at the back of his head as Sam shook his head, closing his eyes. "Alright, enough. Cas, you said when you heard Benjamin, he was screaming."

A pang went through Castiel at the pain he had felt through Benjamin's call for help. "It was um….Look, Benjamin wouldn't call for help lightly, and he wouldn't put himself in harm's way if he could help it."

"Wow, this Benjamin seems like he's pretty cool," Dean spoke up. "You know, like he wouldn't make any…half-cocked, knee-jerk choices."

Castiel was just about fed up with the elder Winchester. "Yeah, you know what I like about him is that he's sarcastic, but he's thoughtful and appreciative too," he couldn't help but say.

Dean whipped around to look at him. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked indignantly.

"Okay, okay, road! Dean watch the road!" Sam cried, reaching for the wheel as Dean veered into the oncoming lane.

"Got it," Dean growled as Sam shook his head.

"Anything else, Cas?" the younger brother aksed.

Castiel sighed. He may as well tell them all he could. Now that his shock was wearing off, he was thinking more about Benjamin's call for help himself and the possible reasons why he would go to these lengths now after all this time. "Benjamin was always very careful," he told Sam. "Long ago, he found a powerfully devout vessel in Madrid, and her faith…" he tried to put it into words, but it was hard. The Winchesters couldn't truly fathom what it was like to take a vessel, especially one who truly fit with an angel's grace—a true vessel. Just the memory of seeing how Benjamin's grace sang all the brighter when it was linked with Selene's soul stirred an ache in his chest. "She gave him everything," he said finally. "Her trust, and her body."

"Wait, so, Benjamin's a woman," Dean interrupted.

Cas rolled his eyes at the inane statement. Of course _that_ was what Dean would get hung up on. "Benjamin's an angel," he said slowly so Dean could understand. "His _vessel's_ a woman. But it's more than that, she's not just his vessel, she's…" He tried to search for the true term, but couldn't really put into words what it was like.

"She's…his friend," Sam offered for him, sounding like he at least had understood.

Castiel shrugged. At its core, that was the truth, after all. Benjamin had counted Selene his dearest friend. Perhaps even above the others in their garrison. "Yeah," he conceded. "Benjamin would never put her in unnecessary danger."

"Okay, then, if this Benjamin is so careful, then what happened?" Dean asked, sounding a little more understanding at least.

"I don't know," Castiel replied regretfully. "That's what I need to find out."

They fell into silence again, but this time, Castiel didn't notice so much. His mind was going back, unbidden, to old memories, ones he had tried, for the most part, to suppress over the years, too much pain having come of them. But now, after hearing Benjamin's voice, he was unable to think of anything else.

He closed his eyes as he remembered the first day he had truly gotten to know his friend—and everything that had come after that.

* * *

 _Castiel walked into the barracks, looking around. He felt a small bit of trepidation being assigned to a new garrison, but perhaps it wouldn't be so bad. After all, it would be a new start, and that was exactly what he needed. At least, that's what Zachariah had told him, and he was probably right. As much as Castiel didn't care for the seraph, Zachariah was in charge and what he said was to be obeyed and understood. He glanced down slightly, as a heaviness washed over him. Things just hadn't been the same since Gabriel left._

 _Another angel came in and offered Castiel a smile._

 _"You're Castiel," he said. "We don't know each other very well, but I know of you. I'm Benjamin."_

 _Castiel smiled and inclined his head. "It's good to meet you Benjamin. I have seen you around too."_

 _"So you just got transferred to this garrison?" Benjamin asked._

 _Castiel sighed slightly. "Yes."_

 _Benjamin grinned and clapped him on the back. "Don't be so sad, it's not too bad. Well, not really anyway." He led him off through the barracks. "I'll show you around, let you meet the other angels."_

 _Castiel followed him and met so many faces that he would come to know well over the years—so many faces that would cause him pain._

 _"That's Mirabelle, she's Ishim' lieutenant—not very fun, kind of has a stick up her arse, you know? And that's Akobel, he's kind of a scholar. Always has his face buried in a scroll. Over there is Rebekah and Micah…"_

 _Castiel smiled at all of the angels in turn. Some of them he knew better than others. Rebekah, he knew had once been a healer, quiet, and somewhat sensitive, he thought. Her common form was pretty, with fawn colored hair and big green eyes._

 _Micah was younger than most of them, curly sandy blond hair hanging almost over his eyes. They both smiled at Castiel in greeting though, welcoming him._

 _Benjamin introduced him to all the angels in the barracks at the moment, and then brought him around again. "Come on, I'll show you where our armory is. And we train every morning, though, you're probably used to that."_

 _As they were walking out the door of the barracks though, Castiel nearly collided with another angel. Older, a hard glint in his grey eyes._

 _"Sorry," Castiel said quickly._

 _The angel looked like he was about to chew him out, but Benjamin quickly stepped in. "Ishim, this is Castiel. The new recruit."_

 _Ishim's scrutiny made Castiel feel uncomfortable, as did the way Benjamin stood up straight and the instant hush that had fallen behind them among the other angels in the barracks._

 _Ishim finally spoke. "Of course. Zachariah said he was sending you to me today. He said this was a new start for you. Well, I'll make sure you keep on track here. Everyone does."_

 _Castiel didn't know why that made him wary. Not then. It wasn't until later that he realized exactly what Zachariah had done by sending Castiel to be under Ishim's command. Castiel may have known something was wrong then, but it wasn't until he truly saw the monster that Ishim carried underneath his skin, that Castiel began to see not only him, but angels in general differently. Perhaps that was where he had truly started doubting Heaven as a whole, maybe that just came later, but either way, he knew there was something very wrong about the way Ishim ran his garrison._

* * *

"Cas?"

Castiel started out of his thoughts, as his name was called. He blinked, shaking his head slightly to clear the old memories away and glanced up to see Sam staring over the backseat of the Impala.

"We're here," the younger Winchester told him. "We're just getting a motel room so we can change and then go check at the police station to see if anything strange has been going on."

Castiel nodded. "Yes. Good idea." Truthfully, he was getting more and more worried on the drive there. He'd tried calling out several times through angel radio to Benjamin but he'd only gotten silence in return. He was already expecting the worse. He would be extremely surprised if Benjamin _was_ still alive.

"Cas, you okay?" Sam asked then, a concerned furrow between his brows.

He took a deep breath. "Yes, I just…need to figure out what happened to him, that's all."

Sam nodded in understanding and then Dean came back with the room key.

"Alright, come on, let's do this."

Castiel bristled slightly. Of course Dean would somehow make this his investigation as opposed to letting Castiel take the lead, but he wasn't in the mood to argue with the hunter right now. He was just interested in getting to Benjamin as quickly as possible.

He waited for Sam and Dean to change into their FBI suits and then they headed toward to local police station. After inquiring about unusual incidents, they were directed to what seemed to be labeled a 'cult killing' at a bar in town.

So they made their way there, on another awkwardly silent the car ride. Castiel sat in the backseat, hands clenched in his lap, fear knotting his stomach, but there was also some small hope left that maybe it hadn't been Benjamin who was killed. Maybe he had managed to overpower his attacker and get away.

But as they stepped into the Megabyte Bar, that looked like an arcade with added alcohol, Castiel instantly saw the macabre sight against the back wall.

The burned out patches of angel's wings.


	2. Chapter 2

**On to chapter two! Thanks to everyone who has read so far! Again, this chapter is mostly like the episode with some extras, but we'll be getting to the more AU part soon.**

 **Also… Happy New Year! ^_^**

Chapter Two

Castiel walked over to the spot where an angel's wings had burned themselves against the wall as Sam and Dean greeted the bar owner, and began to interview him about the incident. Castiel let them do that. He was in no mood for having to be normal around humans and ask questions that wouldn't get weird looks.

The small hope he'd had before that Benjamin might still be alive was dashed at the sight, and his heart was heavy. Benjamin had called _him_ for help. So many years after they'd last seen each other, but he'd still thought to call for Castiel—he must have really been in danger. And, as usual, Castiel hadn't been able to get there. He'd failed another dear friend, and not only Benjamin but Selene as well. She had been so true to Castiel's friend through these long centuries, letting him use her body as his own, and providing companionship to him. Castiel thought back to his times in the garrison, Benjamin's often snarky comments, but fierce loyalty, and felt, if possible, even worse. Castiel could only repay that loyalty now by finding Benjamin's killer and doing them in. He'd already left Benjamin and the others to their fates before, and now he had done it again. He knew his win saving Sam and Dean had been too good to be true.

"I mean," the bar owner was saying as Castiel finally turned around, feeling suddenly so heavy. "Dead woman, no blood? Come on; and these crazy burn marks? It's a cult thing, right? That's why the FBI are here."

"Get out," Castiel said, almost before he realized he was saying it, striding over to rejoin the others. He needed the bar owner out of here. He needed to think and he couldn't do that with civilians hanging around.

The man looked over at him, surprised, as did Sam and Dean.

"What?" the bar owner asked.

"Get out," Castiel said again, more firmly.

Dean instantly stepped in. "He means we can take it from here, thanks." He started to walk the man outside.

Sam hung back, turning to Castiel with a concerned expression. "Dude, are you all right?"

Castiel shook his head, not even bothering to pretend anymore. "No. No, Benjamin and I, we fought together. He was a gifted soldier, I…I don't know how this could have happened." He caught Dean out of the corner of his eye, looking around the scene before the hunter bent to pick something up.

"Got something," Dean said, walking back over to them, holding an angel blade in his hand. "Looks like we had a little angel on angel action." He flipped the blade around and handed it to Castiel.

Castiel took it and studied the blade, trying to pick up the energy signatures but they weren't familiar. He frowned. "This…isn't Benjamin's blade." He said, with a sinking feeling. He should have known. It was rare that something besides an angel ever killed another angel. But he'd thought the fighting factions had stopped after Metatron's loyalists had been seen to; why would angels be killing each other now?

He was about to voice as much, when a whisper started at the back of his mind, getting louder, coming through angel radio. He winced at the dull ache it produced and tried to concentrate on it, pressing a hand to his temple. It was strange…whoever it was was on angel radio but seemed to be on some backdoor frequency.

"What?" Sam asked, frowning.

Castiel ignored him, listening.

 _Where are you?_ The voice whispered. _Reveal yourself._

He felt something probing deep into his brain and swiftly pushed it aside, but perhaps not fast enough. He felt it touch his grace, reading him before it swiftly retreated.

He opened his eyes, seeing the Winchesters staring at him incredulously, but he didn't have time to explain. Not when an unfamiliar entity had forced its way into his brain. He didn't know who—what—it was but it wasn't an angel. He hadn't felt a grace signature, and he didn't want to meet up with something else that could hijack angel radio until he knew more about what they were dealing with.

"We have to go," he told the Winchesters. "Now." He strode past them toward the entrance of the bar without further explanation. Sam and Dean shared a look and then hurried after him.

"Cas, what's going on?" Dean demanded once they got back out to the car. "You hear something else on angel radio?"

Castiel finally turned around. "Look, _something_ was on angel radio, but it wasn't an angel. For anyone else to use those waves, they would have to have an extensive knowledge of Enochian magic. Which worries me."

"Okay, so what do we do here?" Dean asked. "What's the next step?"

Castiel bit his lip, considering. He knew what should be done, but he really didn't want to do it. In fact, it was one of the last things he wanted to do, but if it could help him find Benjamin's killer, then he would endure.

"Cas?" Sam asked, again looking concerned.

Castiel sighed heavily. "I think I need to contact some angels from Benjamin's garrison. I don't know how many are still alive, but…they may know something that can help us find out who did this."

Dean raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You wanna bring more angels into this? And what if one of them is the one who ganked your friend?"

"Then I'll be one step closer to returning the favor," Castiel snapped.

"Okay, but, are you sure this is a good idea, Cas?" Sam asked, a little more reasonably.

Castiel sighed again, shaking his head. "No. But I have to do this for Benjamin." He then closed his eyes and sent out a message, targeting all the angels he could think of from his old garrison.

A few seconds later he got a surprised feeling message from a grace signature that made his stomach turn.

Ishim.

 _Castiel? Didn't think I'd hear from you again. I already heard about Benjamin. Mirabelle and I are in town. Let's meet to talk. Come alone._

Ishim sent him a mental image of a diner and Castiel broke off the connection as soon as he could. He turned back to the Winchesters who were watching expectantly.

"Well?" Dean asked.

"I'm going to meet someone to discuss what happened to Benjamin," he said.

"Great, we'll come along," Dean said and strode toward the car. Castiel hesitated a moment before he went too. He'd deal with Sam and Dean once he got there. The last thing he wanted was the Winchesters meeting Ishim. That could only make this worse than it already was.

He grudgingly gave Dean directions to the place Ishim had named as a meeting point, but when they pulled up outside, Castiel put his foot down.

"Alright, who are we meeting?" Sam asked as they got out of the Impala.

Castiel hesitated, but there was really no point in not telling them. "His name is…Ishim. Before I, uh, commanded my own flight of angels, my own battalion, I served under him with Benjamin."

"And you think he knows what's going on?" Dean asked.

"We'll find out," Castiel replied wearily, then turned toward the diner. "You wait here."

"Whoa, excuse me?" Dean demanded.

Castiel turned around with a roll of his eyes. He should have known better. "Ishim said to come alone," he said. "He doesn't like…humans." He watched Sam and Dean's expressions skew to something slightly insulted. Dean looked like he was going to protest again, so Castiel turned to him and said, "If I plan to do anything else stupid, I'll let you know."

Then he turned around and went inside the diner, not giving the Winchesters a chance to say anything else as Dean just stood, open-mouthed at his parting comment.

Castiel entered the diner, eyes flitting around, to land almost immediately on the two angels sitting near the back. First, there was Mirabelle, looking the same as she always did, somber and authoritative.

And then there was Ishim.

Castiel was assaulted by a barrage of images, memories rushing through his head. Ishim sneering at Benjamin, shoving Micah into a wall, hand gripping his shirt, Ishim's hand running over Rebekah's shoulder as she flinched away from him, disgust on her face…

Castiel forced the images away. If he didn't he would never get through this meeting without throttling Ishim right there in the diner among the humans. So instead, he put on a pleasant air, though it irked him to do so, bracing himself for what was the follow as he walked over to them.

"Mirabelle…Ishim," he greeted, as he sat down in the booth across from his old commander. He was still in the vessel that he had been in the last time Castiel saw him and his cold hard eyes and sprawling, narcissistic posture were the same as always.

"You kept your vessels all this time, I'm impressed," he said, for lack of anything else to start with.

Mirabelle shrugged slightly. "We are not careless."

"But you, Castiel," Ishim said, his voice grating on Castiel's nerves already. "I liked the old you better."

Castiel felt uncomfortable with Ishim's eyes raking over him, the mocking tone obvious in his voice. He adjusted his coat, pulling it tighter around him as if it could shield him from his old commander's scorn.

"We've been waiting," Mirabelle said. "I suppose it does take longer to get places now without our wings. You had a hand in that, correct?"

Castiel felt the stab in his chest at her obvious accusation. He knew it was justified, but still, she didn't have to make a point of it.

"Now, Mirabelle," Ishim said, glancing up at his lieutenant. "Some angels think of Castiel as a hero." His condescending tone was all too familiar and Castiel found himself getting more and more sick to his stomach as Ishim sent him a pointed glance. "After he left us, he had his own flight to command. Balthazar, Uriel—great soldiers. Both dead now, of course. You had a hand in that too."

"Uriel was a traitor," Castiel said absently; of course, Balthazar was another matter all together. Just another thing for him to feel horrible about.

Ishim shrugged. "Doesn't matter, you were still the cause of their deaths, one way or another. So is he a hero? Is he a spanner in the works? I don't know." Ishim made a mocking face, but the cruelty in his eyes hit Castiel to the core. Mirabelle joined him with her own accusatory gaze.

Castiel held on to what he really wanted to say, instead settling on, "I'm not a hero. But sometimes doing the right thing requires sacrifices."

"True," Ishim admitted. "But it always seems like it's other angels sacrificing for your good deeds."

"At least I always had a purpose; trying to do better," Castiel couldn't help but say, his voice low and angry that Ishim of all people would accuse him of that. "At least I didn't just throw my men into battle without preparation."

Ishim narrowed his eyes, anger flitting through them at the obvious jibe. "No. But you still caused them to lose much. Their wings…their lives…I'd say that's worse, wouldn't you, Castiel?"

Finally Castiel had had enough of this. "Are you here to insult me, or to talk about Benjamin?" he cut in sharply.

Ishim, gave a small shrug with an overbearing look as he leaned over the table, closer to Castiel than he wanted to be to him again. "Can't we do both?"

Mirabelle cut through the tension. "In the years since we've lost our wings, two others from our flight have been murdered," she informed him. "Like Benjamin."

"There's only a few of us left now," Ishim added.

Castiel frowned at the news, glancing between them. "Why didn't I know about this?" he demanded.

"We didn't think you'd care," Mirabelle said.

"And why wouldn't I?" Castiel demanded.

"Oh, I don't know," Ishim said, pouting thoughtfully. "Maybe because once you got a flight of your own, you completely forgot, in your fame and then your infamy, that you ever fought in a low-tier battalion like mine."

"Maybe it wasn't everyone else I was trying to forget," Castiel couldn't help but say in a low voice.

Ishim narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to say something, but the door to the diner swung open and Dean, followed by Sam who had an exasperated look on his face, stormed inside and strode over toward the three angels.

Castiel rolled his eyes. He should have known they wouldn't stay put. Now this was just going to get even more complicated.

"Hey," Dean called, pasting a smile on his face. Mirabelle and Ishim looked at him with suspicion and disgust.

"Dean," Castiel growled, shaking his head.

"Feeling a little left out over there," Dean said as Sam offered Castiel an apologetic look. Dean came over to the booth and nodded to him. "Scoot over."

Castiel had little choice but to slide over against the wall as both Dean and Sam slid into the booth, the three of them pressed shoulder to shoulder. Castiel couldn't help but feel Dean was hemming him in on purpose. Better to keep him from doing something stupid, perhaps.

Ishim, leveled a dark gaze at Castiel, and began to methodically open sugar packets to pour into the cup of coffee sitting in front of him. "I said to come alone."

"These are my friends," Castiel said, casting a glance over at them. "My friends who don't listen very well." Dean's only response was to smirk at him, making Castiel even angrier.

"How're you doing?" Sam greeted the angels, trying to be the bringer of tact as usual. "I'm—"

"We know who you are," Mirabelle cut in sharply.

Ishim turned toward her. "Check outside to see if there are others."

Mirabelle nodded and rose, heading toward the door.

Castiel sighed inwardly. "I only brought Sam and Dean."

"As far as you know," Ishim said, stirring the copious amounts of sugar into his cup. Castiel vaguely thought that it probably wouldn't even all dissolve. The angel studied Sam and Dean with a calculating expression that Castiel didn't like at all. He knew Ishim didn't like humans much, but he _had_ warned Sam and Dean not to come in. Of course they could never listen.

"Well," Dean said, still smiling in that humorless way he did when he was unhappy with a situation and the people involved. "Who wants some pie?"

Ishim only put more sugar into his coffee, giving Dean a baleful look. "You know," he said slowly. "When I knew Castiel he was a…soldier. He was a warrior; an angel's angel." Of course, because Ishim had thought _so much_ of him back then, Castiel thought bitterly. Ishim motioned to Castiel as if to state his point. "Now look how far he's fallen."

"How about a little coffee with that sugar?" Dean commented.

He and Ishim had a brief staring contest, trying to see who would break first. Castiel shifted uncomfortably, wondering where this would end up.

Ishim just smirked slightly and turned back toward Castiel, continuing with his mocking litany. "No wings, no home. Just a ratty old coat and a pair of…poorly trained monkeys."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Oh, well, you can go to hell."

"Dean, it's fine," Castiel said quickly, not wanting this to get out of hand. He didn't want the Winchesters to get on Ishim's bad side. He knew how badly that could end for people.

Sam frowned, leaning forward. "No, no it's not," he protested.

"Sam," Castiel nearly pleaded. "This isn't about me, it's about Benjamin."

"Now that," Ishim said, pointing his spoon at Castiel, "is refreshingly accurate. But since you brought a couple extra people to our little chit-chat, we should go somewhere more private. I have a safe house nearby."

Ishim stood and reached into his pocket, pulling out a few bills and folded them as he stared at Castiel. "I'll go get Mirabelle. So nice to see you, old friend." He tossed the money on the table in front of Dean. "Have some pie."

The three of them sat there silently as Ishim walked out. Dean pulled a mocking face, and Sam cleared his throat, standing to go sit on the opposite booth to give Dean and Cas more room. Castiel was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. He hadn't realized how tense he had been until Ishim left.

"Wow," Sam began, finally breaking the silence. "Hell of a friend, Cas."

"Why do you let him talk to you like that?" Dean demanded.

Castiel wanted to retort that Dean hadn't exactly been civil to him recently either, but this was no time to voice his grievances. All he cared about was getting justice for Benjamin and his other lost comrades.

"If Ishim can help me find whoever killed Benjamin, I have to," Castiel said, glancing between the Winchesters.

"Okay, look, I get that we need super dick there but, I mean, come on," Dean protested.

"The angels that I served with are being killed," Castiel stated firmly. "So I will put up with Ishim, I will put up with everything else, and so will you. I have to go." He started to slide out of the booth, giving Dean no choice but to get up and out of his way. Castiel was too tired to put up with him anymore just then. Having to deal with Ishim was enough, he didn't need this current version of Dean too, who always seemed suspicious of him and had to question all his actions. He pushed out the door of the diner, leaving the Winchesters behind for the moment, though he knew they would be back with him before long.

Besides, despite everything he tried to do to stop it, seeing Ishim again was bringing to mind more unwanted memories, sending him back to a place he had never wanted to visit again.

* * *

 _The first few days being in the new garrison were somewhat rough. Angels were all pretty much the same in how they ran things but yet, each commander had their own ways of doing things too. Mirabelle's training was more grueling than in Castiel's previous garrison, for example, and he was still getting used to being around this new group of angels, getting to know them and their grace signatures better. Learning how to fight with and around them._

 _He was coming back to the barracks after a long morning of training, hoping to get some time alone to read a little, when he heard voices coming from inside._

 _"I-I'm sorry, I won't do it again."_

 _"No you won't, and you know why, boy?" There was the distinctive sound of flesh hitting flesh, followed by a sharp gasp. "Because I say so. And here, my word is law."_

 _Anger boiled in Castiel instantly at simply hearing the exchange, but as he stepped into the barracks and saw Ishim crowding the smaller figure of Micah against the wall, one hand in his tunic, the other open in an obvious threat, he was furious._

 _"What's going on?" he demanded, before remembering, with some regret, that it wasn't his place to question his commander like that._

 _Ishim whipped around, glaring at him. "This does not concern you, Castiel. I would suggest you leave before I take my hand to you too."_

 _The distress on Micah's face however, caused Castiel instead to stand his ground._

 _"And what exactly did Micah do to incur your wrath?" Castiel asked._

 _Ishim completely turned then, seeming to forget Micah all together. "You dare question why I choose to punish someone? Perhaps you're the one who needs to learn your place, boy."_

 _Castiel didn't flinch as Ishim raised a hand, and for some reason, that stopped his commander. Castiel simply stared at him, and Ishim stared back before lowering his hand and clearing his throat._

 _"I'll give you a warning just this once because you're new here and you don't know how things work. But remember, Castiel. Here, I am the leader, and you all must do as I say or suffer the consequences."_

 _He strode out of the room, and Castiel finally felt the tension leave him as he went to help Micah who was slumped against the wall._

 _"Are you okay?" he asked softly._

 _The younger angel straightened. "I'll be fine. But…I..I didn't do anything. I didn't think I ever said anything wrong."_

 _"I didn't think you had," Castiel said grimly, anger flaring again at the thought of Ishim crowding the poor boy into the wall. "Is this…does this happen often?"_

 _Micah nodded after a moment's hesitation. "I'm not the only one, but…Castiel, Ishim isn't a good leader. He's not a good angel at all. He has…well, there's something in him. Something not quite right. A real mean streak."_

 _Castiel nodded. Yes, he knew well enough. He had seen the same in Zachariah during the times he had been unfortunate enough to need 're-education'. But Ishim…Castiel wasn't sure it was the same. Zachariah took pleasure in doling out punishment, especially to people he didn't like. Ishim just seemed to generally enjoy being cruel in petty ways to people. Especially those he could control, who he deemed weaker than him._

 _Perhaps that was why he hadn't struck Castiel after all._

 _Maybe Castiel could use that to his advantage._

 _However, he was soon to realize that not all things were that simple, and that he had possibly misjudged Ishim more than he had realized._

* * *

Castiel was pulled from that memory by a shout nearby, and the familiar, horrifying, feeling of an angel's grace exploding.

Without another thought, he ran to see what had happened.


	3. Chapter 3

**On to chapter three! Thanks to everyone who has read and followed this story so far, I'm glad you seem to be enjoying the flashback portions :) This is where the story starts to turn more AU**

Chapter Three

Castiel rounded the corner, where he could hear the sounds of a struggle ensuing. Only to see Ishim with his hand to the forehead of a red-haired woman, as if to smite her. Castiel stopped in shock as Ishim's power died down almost instantly, and the woman smiled.

"You can't smite me, Ishim," she said. "I'm not powerless anymore."

Ishim then tried to bring his blade up, but she caught his arm and spun him around, getting him in a headlock.

"Castiel!" Ishim shouted, as he saw the other angel standing there.

Castiel almost wanted to let this woman—who he now saw wore an eyepatch—do what she wanted to his old commander, but so many angels had died already; he couldn't in good conscious let another one die. Even Ishim.

"No, don't," he called to the woman, as he hurried forward, letting his own blade slip into his hand.

"Kill her!" Ishim commanded, still struggling.

Castiel came forward to meet her. Ishim slammed his head back into her face and broke free at the same moment, Castiel stuck out at her with his blade. He scored a hit to her side and she fell with a gasp, her blade clattering from her hand.

As she lay there though, looking up at him, he paused. She looked so familiar…

And then he remembered: _Akobel—Ishim's garrison being sent to Earth to deal with him. He'd taken a human wife; there had been a child. He could still recall the eyes of the woman as she stared at the approaching angels—Lily Sunder—he thought. And then the scream of a child that, no matter how hard he tried to justify it, still haunted him to this day…_

"I know you," he said to her, stepping forward, not sure whether he was going to attack her or ask why she was here, but he didn't get the chance. She slammed her foot into his stomach, kicking him backwards against the wall.

"Hey!"

Sam and Dean were there then. For the first time that night, Castiel was glad they had followed him. They had their guns out and pointed at the woman.

She started to climb to her feet, holding her hands up as if she meant no harm. "I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to hurt any human," she said. "Just let me finish what I started."

Castiel frowned. What she started? Killing his old garrison? But how…

"Yeah, not gonna happen, Patches," Dean said, making no move to remove her from the line of fire.

The woman suddenly held up a hand and a bright light flared out around her, causing all of them to cover their eyes, even Castiel and Ishim.

"I can't see," Dean was saying, reaching out blindly to grab at Sam's shoulder as the woman made her way to a car and tore off down the road. "Sam, hey, I can't see, did you get a plate?"

"Yeah, I got it," Sam replied.

"Who the hell was that?" Dean demanded.

Castiel pushed away from the wall, and strode over to where Ishim was staring down at Mirabelle. Castiel realized for the first time that she had been left lying at the side of the alley, a stab wound in her chest and burn marks on either side of her from her wings.

"Cas?" Dean demanded.

Castiel heaved a sigh and turned to the Winchesters briefly. "We'll explain everything. But first, I think we should get to Ishim's safe house if you do have one," he added, turning to the angel grudgingly.

Ishim finally looked up from Mirabelle's body and nodded. "Yeah. Let's go."

* * *

 _Ishim collapsed onto an old ratty couch_ inside the abandoned church that served as his safehouse. Castiel wasn't really sure how safe it truly was, but it was away from the town at least, so even if they did get attacked out here, they wouldn't cause any problems to innocent bystanders.

"Okay, so what the hell is going on here?" Dean demanded, wasting no time as they all took seats around the couch. "What's up with the eye-patch chick? She put a hit out on you or something?"

"And what the hell was that trick with the light?" Sam asked. "Was she a witch?"

"I don't know how she did that," Castiel said, turning to Ishim who was peeling up his shirt and waistcoat to look at a deep wound in his side, before trying to heal it and failing. Castiel almost offered to heal it himself, but decided not to at the last minute. "Ishim, how is she still alive?"

Dean looked between them, eyebrows raised. "Oh, so you _do_ know her. Well, thanks for telling us, Cas."

"Dean," Sam warned.

"Yes, we know her," Castiel said, bristling slightly at Dean's accusatory voice.

"You don't owe them an explanation," Ishim grunted.

"Okay, hold on there," Dean cut in. "One-Eyed Willy back there wasn't trying to kill us, she was trying to kill _you_ , so talk before she kicks in the damn door."

Castiel was silent for a moment, feeling Ishim's warning stare, and for some reason his disapproval was enough for Castiel to start. "Well, before the apocalypse, angels rarely came to earth," he began.

"Yeah, basically never, right?" Sam asked.

"Right. Except one time, many years ago, there was an anomaly."

"An anomaly?" Sam frowned.

"They won't understand," Ishim cut in condescendingly.

"Cas," Dean said, his voice more reasonable than it had been for days. "What's going on?"

Castiel saw the real concern in his friend's eyes and sighed inwardly. "One of our flight, our garrison, Akobel. He went to Earth and took a human wife. He sired a nephillim."

"An abomination," Ishim clarified firmly.

Castiel glanced over at him briefly before returning his attention back to the Winchesters. "That woman, Lily Sunder is her name, she was the one Akobel…laid with." He took a deep breath and continued bitterly. "You understand, we had to see justice done. Akobel had to be made an example of, and the child…"

"The child had to die," Ishim said with almost a bite of pleasure in his voice that made Castiel clench his hands firmly in his lap. "Before it came into its powers and destroyed us all."

Sam and Dean both looked as sick as Castiel felt having to recall that memory. Sam ran his hands over his face.

"Cas, you…"

"We completed a mission," Castiel said wryly.

"Some mission," Dean muttered.

"It was horrific," Castiel admitted. "But…it was necessary, it was right." He hated saying that even now, but he did know how dangerous a nephillim could be. He just had to wonder whether he would have made the same choice now as he had back then. He still didn't really know what he was going to do once he found Kelly Kline. He knew that Lucifer's child should never be allowed to be born and yet…perhaps he had been as wrong about nephillim as he had about other things back then.

"Well, if you say so," Dean said, and turned away from him.

Castiel swallowed hard at that. Surely Dean knew that he regretted their having to do that?

"And the woman," Sam said. "Lily Sunder?"

"She was a professor of Apocalyptic literature," Ishim said. "She studied angels, spoke fluent Enochian." He shrugged slightly. "I took mercy on her by letting her live."

Castiel almost snorted. Mercy. Right, after she had just seen her family butchered. Castiel was sure that mercy had been the first thing on Ishim or Lily's minds.

"So now she wants revenge," Dean stated, shaking his head with a short humorless chuckle.

"But she's gotta be what, a hundred years old?" Sam asked.

"No, more," Castiel offered.

"Yet somehow she's still kicking ass?" Dean asked, sounding both impressed and disbelieving.

"No, not somehow," Ishim said. "I know what she's up to. She made some kind of demonic pact. Keeps her young, keeps her strong…keeps her immune from our powers."

Castiel nodded absently, though he wasn't really sure how that would work. He certainly hadn't heard of a human making a demonic pact like that before. Not without an expiration date and a place in Hell, that is. What Lily had done was closer to their own angelic powers than anything else.

"Well, we'll find her," Dean said. "Me and Sam."

"No, Dean," Castiel tried to protest, not wanting the Winchesters to have to walk into another one of his problems.

"Cas, she doesn't care about us, okay? She's gunning for you guys."

"Yeah, maybe we can reason with her," Sam offered.

"Ah, four dead angels indicate that perhaps she is not reasonable. If she has this dark power, as Ishim seems to think, it will take all of us to fight her," Castiel said.

Sam and Dean shared a look, but Castiel could see them thinking.

"Castiel is right," Ishim said, sitting up straighter with a wince that Castiel thought was just a little overdone. "And in that case, I need you to heal me, old friend."

Castiel bit back the exasperated sigh. "Fine. I'll heal you in a minute. I need to talk to Sam and Dean."

He stood and the Winchesters followed him a few steps away. Castiel suspected Ishim could still hear them, but it was easier to talk to them when the other angel wasn't staring directly at him.

"Cas, are you sure this is a good idea?" Dean asked.

"Dean, powers or not, she is human," Castiel said. "An angel blade will work on her just the same as you or me, I already wounded her back in the alley."

"Yeah, but Cas, just wait a second," Sam cut in. "Her family was murdered. I mean, I know you were just doing a job, but…"

"Are you saying those angels deserved to die?" Castiel asked, glancing at the younger Winchester, feeling anger stemming from grief wash through him at the painful memory of lost comrades—lost friends.

"What?" Sam frowned.

"You think _I_ deserve to die?" Castiel demanded.

"No, no, that's not what he's saying," Dean cut in as Sam glanced at his brother for back up.

"Then what is he saying?" Castiel asked. He was on the end of his rope right now, too tired to work his way around issues.

"I'm saying that if we find her, we can explain to her that you're different now, you know?" Sam told him.

"Sam," Castiel replied. "That won't work. She won't quit." He cast a glance between both brothers. "Think about it; would _you_?"

Sam pressed his lips together in a thin line and looked down, unable to refute Castiel's words. Of course he wouldn't. Anyone who hurt Sam or Dean's family would be hunted down and done away with. Castiel understood where Lily was coming from. He would do the same. He _had_ done the same with Billie. He just wished some people could be a little more grateful for that.

"Castiel's right, it won't work," Ishim spoke up behind them from the couch and they all turned toward him again.

"Well, we have to at least try," Sam said.

"That's right," Dean added. "And we're not askin'."

Castiel was about to ask Sam to find out where Lily Sunder was, when a sharp ringing came through his head. Ishim gasped out as well, and Cas sank into a chair at the sudden surge of pain, holding his head.

 _Help! Someone, anyone, whoever's out here, please!_

"Cas!" Sam and Dean were suddenly on either side of him as his vision cleared again, and his headache dulled to a throb. The Winchesters were bending over him worriedly, one of Dean's hands on his shoulder to steady him in the chair.

"Hey, you good?" the elder brother demanded.

"We have to go," Castiel said, pushing shakily to his feet and shrugging off Sam and Dean's assistance.

"What was that?" Sam asked.

"Another distress call," Castiel said, having recognized Ezra's voice, another of the angels from their flight.

"He's dead by now, Castiel," Ishim said, sounding not very upset about it at all.

Castiel bristled. "Then we'll still go to him, just in case." He turned to the Winchesters. "See if you can find where Lily Sunder is staying. That way you can catch her on her way back. Ishim and I will go and see to Ezra."

"No," Dean said firmly, surprising him. "I'll go with Ishim. You and Sam go check out this Lily chick, and we'll meet you there when we're done."

"No, Dean…" Castiel protested, not wanting Ishim anywhere near either of the Winchesters.

"No arguments," Dean said firmly.

Castiel suddenly grabbed his shoulder and pushed him toward a corner where he was sure Ishim couldn't hear. "Is this because you don't think you can trust me?" he hissed.

Dean raised an eyebrow. "I don't know, can I, Cas?"

Castiel shook his head with disgust. "How can you even ask that question? To me?"

"Frankly? Because you haven't given me a lot to work with lately. And, honestly, Cas? I don't want Ishim to influence you."

Castiel clenched his fists at his sides. " _Influence_ me? What do you think…?" He stopped. It was no use arguing with Dean on this. Not now. Dean didn't know their history, after all. He didn't know the long rivalry between Castiel and Ishim and what it had caused. He shook his head. "Fine. I'll go with Sam; it might be better if I am there to talk to Lily directly anyway. But Dean…watch your back."

Dean studied him for a moment and then nodded. Castiel shoved past him and went grudgingly over to Ishim who was still moaning on the couch.

"I'm waiting, Castiel," he said blandly.

Castiel sat next to the couch and yanked Ishim's shirt out of the way, as he inspected the wound.

"Your wound is deep," he said. "This will sting." He clapped his hand over Ishim's side and forced his grace into him in a violent quick healing that had Ishim squirming on the couch. Castiel hadn't been kidding. He didn't use any of the warming ease that he did when he healed the Winchesters. Ishim didn't deserve it.

Unfortunately, the vigor and the depth of the wound drained him dramatically. It had been a long time since he had healed a wound that bad on another angel, and his grace being what it was, it took a lot more out of him than he had anticipated. He sagged, breathing hard.

"Cas?" Sam asked worriedly, stepping over to him and touching his shoulder as Ishim stood up, stretching.

"I'm okay," Castiel said, though when he stood up, he was woozy too and had to accept the support Sam offered him.

"Easy," the younger Winchester said quietly as Dean watched from the side, arms folded over his chest and some worry in his eyes.

"Mmm," Ishim groaned happily and proceeded to do several push-ups against a chair. "I haven't felt this good in years."

"Oh goody," Castiel muttered darkly, just trying to keep his head from spinning.

"Alright, Man of Steel, let's go," Dean called to Ishim.

"Yeah, and I found Lily's location," Sam added.

Ishim cast a glance over at Castiel and the look in his eyes, made Castiel regret giving into Dean so easily. His stomach twisted as Ishim tucked his angel blade into his sleeve.

"See you later, Castiel," Ishim said and he and Dean left the church.

Sam turned to Castiel and nodded. "Let's go."

Castiel followed him out to the Impala since Ishim and Dean were taking the other angel's vehicle, and Castiel slumped wearily into the passenger seat, just a bad feeling about this whole situation welling up inside of him.

As Sam drove to the hotel Lily was apparently staying in, Castiel leaned against the door, eyes closed against a dull headache as he tried to reserve what strength he had left. In his meditative state, he felt his mind drifting back, dredging up the memory of when he had first seen Lily Sunder.

* * *

 _Some missions were harder than others, that was something Castiel had come to expect, and he'd tried so hard to feel like it was their duty to kill the child. A nephillim was an extremely dangerous being, he knew this, and he knew that the sin of laying with a human and creating such an abomination also needed to be punished, but still…Akobel had always struck Castiel as a good angel. Gentle, kind, caring; both for his fellow brothers and sisters, as well as humans. Castiel knew he had taken a sabbatical on earth to watch over humanity as he did every other century, always having enjoyed seeing how humans had progressed, but when the news came to them that Akobel had taken a human lover and sired a nephillim, Castiel had frankly been shocked. He had never suspected his friend of doing anything like that, but perhaps his affection and fascination with humanity had formed into attachment and sinful attraction._

 _So they had gone to earth to see justice done. Akobel had been in their garrison under Ishim so they were the ones who had to see him taken care of. Zachariah had given the orders, and Castiel thought vaguely that it was likely because he thought it would be a punishment for them as well, having to do away with the comrade that they had failed to keep on the right path to begin with._

 _That mission left a pit in Castiel's stomach that he wasn't even sure the reason for. After he returned his vessel safely to her family and went back to Heaven with the rest of his garrison, he wished simply to be alone with time to think._

 _He went to the heaven of a woman who had died in the early 1700s. Her heaven was a perpetual summer afternoon, in a garden bursting with colorful flowers so abundant that the air smelled sweet and heady. As she happily wandered with her two small children through the winding paths, Castiel sat upon a stone bench beside a pond and watched the fish swim among the lily pads, creating intricate patters as they wove in and out among each other._

 _He simply sat and meditated, hoping that his confused feelings about their mission might make more sense to him with some quiet and solitude. But then he heard someone praying to him._

Castiel, he's doing it again, you have to come.

 _Benjamin's plea made Castiel start upright and slide out of the woman's heaven back toward the barracks._

 _There he found Benjamin standing pale, and angry, outside the door to their garrison's room where muffled pleas could be heard._

 _"What started him off this time?" Castiel demanded._

 _Benjamin shook his head. "Micah only made an offhand comment about the woman Akobel was with. Lily Sunder. Just wondering why she wasn't to be killed as well. Ishim blew up."_

 _Castiel pushed past his friend and into the barracks where Ishim had Micah against the wall, one hand clenched around his throat, the other balled up. As Castiel walked in, Ishim pounded his fist into the younger angel's stomach causing him to choke out what little breath he had left._

 _"One of these days, boy, you will learn your place. And maybe then I won't have to teach you a lesson." He slammed his fist into Micah's jaw, then, forcing his head back so hard, that the wall behind him cracked._

 _"Ishim, stop!" Castiel cried, surging forward and grabbing Ishim's clenched fist tightly, stopping another blow from landing. "There's no need for this violence!"_

 _"Castiel," Ishim growled. "Let go. The little brat has a mouth on him and he needs to be taught not to speak out of turn."_

 _"You and I both know that's not entirely true," Castiel said in a low, dangerous voice._

 _Ishim finally turned toward Castiel, letting go of Micah. The young angel slumped down the wall and then scrambled several feet away, choking._

 _"Go," Castiel told him._

 _Benjamin and Rebekah were suddenly there, reaching for Micah and hauling him to his feet to hurry him from the room. They cast worried glances back at Castiel, but he wasn't going to leave just yet._

 _Ishim turned his full attention on Castiel then, anger boiling almost palpably. "You dare interrupt me when I'm dealing out just punishments?" Ishim demanded. "Where's my good little soldier from earlier?"_

 _Castiel bristled at the condescending words. "We were on a mission, Ishim, this is just unnecessary cruelty."_

 _"Unnecessary," Ishim laughed humorlessly. "You don't know anything about commanding, Castiel. Sometimes it's necessary to put people in line. You, for example. You mouth off too much, boy. One of these days, it's going to get you into trouble. I should start putting you in line too. After what happened with Akobel, I'm going to have to start being more careful with keeping my soldiers in good standing."_

 _Castiel stared at him unwaveringly. "You want to beat me too, Ishim? Go ahead."_

 _"Oh Castiel," Ishim sneered. "I know that's not how I get to you."_

 _The next day, when Castiel saw Micah at training he was walking stiffly, unable to move quickly enough during drills which led to Mirabelle calling him out sharply several times._

 _Benjamin caught sight of Castiel watching and leaned over to talk to him quietly. "Ishim got to him again last night. I didn't know until this morning, but…he really messed him up, Cas. Can't you see Micah's wings?"_

 _Castiel really looked then and all of a sudden he saw through Micah's common form to his true one, and the wings that had several gaps in the lines of primaries. Horror and rage boiled up in Castiel._

 _"Ishim ripped his feathers out?" he hissed._

 _Benjamin nodded, lips pressed together in a thin line of rage. "I swear I'll kill that bastard one day."_

 _Castiel didn't reply. He felt sick. He knew this wasn't Micah's punishment at all. It was his. Because Ishim had figured Castiel out a long time ago. If you wanted to hurt him, all you had to do was go after his friends._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Sam and Castiel drove for a while in silence, before Castiel finally heard Sam's slight inhalation of breath that meant he was going to start talking.

"Cas, look, I know it's not really any of my or Dean's business either way, but…you and Ishim seem to have some bad blood between you. And I'm guessing it goes beyond just you making the angels fall."

Castiel sighed, prying his eyes open before he turned to face Sam's profile. "Ishim is…difficult in general, but yes…there is particularly bad blood between us."

"What happened?" Sam asked, his brow furrowed. "I mean, I can see it, you don't even want to be in the same room as him."

Castiel gazed out the windshield as only more unwanted memories began to trickle in. "It's true that I'd rather be on the other side of the _galaxy_ from him." He admitted bitterly.

* * *

 _It was not always beatings Ishim doled out, and it wasn't always for Castiel's benefit he turned to tormenting the garrison either. These sorts of things had been happening long before Castiel was transferred there, and showed just how wicked Ishim could be._

 _But while he could see the bruises on Micah and some of the other angels, Ishim was more than efficient with wielding more than his fists to punish the other angels who didn't respond to beatings the way Ishim would have preferred._

 _Benjamin, for example, who wasn't the kind to be beaten down, got a lot of verbal abuse from Ishim regarding his vessel._

 _"The relationship you have with that vessel is bordering on inappropriate," Ishim sneered once when they were on earth for a mission, hunting down a pack of demons that were increasingly becoming a problem._

 _Benjamin glowered at Ishim across the table they were sitting at while looking at maps to plan their attack. Benjamin had just consulted Selene on a point, as he did sometimes because oftentimes her silent observations allowed her to see things in different ways, and she was a natural tactician. Ishim however, always sneered at Benjamin when he did this, apparently having the opinion that all humans were ignorant cattle._

 _"She is a devout woman. She wanted this, and she likes being able to help us when she can," Benjamin returned. "Even you have used the same vessel the last few times we've been on Earth."_

 _"Yes, but I don't choose to cart him around with me either," Ishim said. "You've had that woman since—what? The mid Seventeenth Century? That's almost disgusting. No wonder the other angels talk about you."_

 _Benjamin slammed his hands onto the table as he stood. "It's called devotion, Ishim. Though, I obviously wouldn't expect you to understand something like a profound bond between an angel and his vessel. You don't even have the capacity to care about your own brothers and sisters!"_

 _"You insolent—" Ishim was out of his chair too, but Mirabelle swiftly grabbed his arm. Castiel was glad she had stopped him. Benjamin was heated right now, and he was afraid of what his friend would say or do if provoked even further than he already was. Benjamin had a habit of saying what he really felt when he got angry. He didn't want to see angel blades drawn in the heat of the moment._

 _Castiel stood and took Benjamin by the arm as well, mirroring Mirabelle. He tugged insistently. "Come on. Let's go clear your head."_

 _Benjamin looked like he wanted to protest, but Castiel tugged harder and pulled him out of the cabin._

 _"Ishim's such a prick," Benjamin said as the door closed behind them, fists clenched at his sides. "Selene…"_

 _"I know," Castiel said gently, setting a hand on Benjamin's shoulder to try and calm him. "I know how you truly feel for her. Do not let Ishim get to you. You're right; he doesn't understand your friendship. Perhaps it isn't exactly typical for angels to feel so much for their vessels, or humans in general, but I think it has only made you stronger."_

 _And Castiel had truthfully envied Benjamin the loyalty of his vessel. Castiel had taken many over the years, pretty much always a different vessel for every mission he had been on. But none of them truly reflected his inner self, or felt proper around his grace like he had been told a true vessel would. He knew that every angel had a true vessel; one he or she belonged with; a bloodline passed down through families, but whether an angel would ever find his true vessel wasn't always certain. Benjamin obviously had, and Castiel could tell how much more comfortable he was with Selene when they were on Earth than Castiel was in his current vessel._

 _"I just can't stand the things he says," Benjamin shook his head, still angry. "Sometimes I can't believe them either. I mean, why does he have to say them?"_

 _Castiel furrowed his brow. "I don't know. Ishim is just…he's cruel, and I sometimes think he enjoys being cruel a little too much."_

 _"How is it even acceptable for angels to be like that?" Benjamin asked. "I mean, aren't we supposed to just do our jobs and be good soldiers? It's hard to do that when your commander is always abusing you. And what he does to Micah and Ishmael and some of the others…that's not just punishment. That's sadistic cruelty."_

 _Castiel swallowed hard, agreeing with Benjamin on all counts. Unfortunately, he didn't know what to do about it._

 _Not short of taking Ishim on himself and giving him back as good as he got._

 _But it didn't stop at Benjamin either. And it didn't stop that night. Ishim set rosters for some of them to watch for the demons in case they got word that angels were on Earth, and Benjamin and Castiel were sent out. Mirabelle was doing recon, and Ishim, Micah, and Rebekah were left inside to create a trap for the demons._

 _As Castiel got back from rotation, he stepped into the cabin, seeing Ishim bent over Rebekah's chair, one hand on her shoulder and his face too close to hers, his nose almost pressed into her hair. Castiel frowned as he saw how straight Rebekah was sitting, how she trembled slightly, and alarm bells instantly went off in his head. Castiel closed the door loudly behind him and Ishim straightened slowly, glancing at him with a long glare before he slowly removed his hand from Rebekah's shoulder. She slumped in relief and Castiel knew there was something very wrong with the situation he had stumbled upon._

 _He broke the tension himself. "Nothing to report. I found no sign of demons in the area. We should be able to make our attack tomorrow without any trouble."_

 _Ishim's lip curled slightly as if he wanted to sneer. "Good. Now go back out there and make sure."_

 _Rebekah suddenly cast a glance over to Castiel, eyes pleading with him, and then she stuttered out, "I—I can go, Micah and I can relieve Castiel and Benjamin."_

 _But Ishim wasn't happy with that. "No, I want you right here, Rebekah, doing what you do best. You know you're not much of a fighter, what if a patrol of demons finds you out there? You're much better here creating sigils for our trap."_

 _There was Ishim's hand ghosting over her hair before landing on her shoulder again, making Rebekah look like she wanted to simply vacate her vessel. Castiel could see her grace, her wings, shuddering in distress and he was instantly furious at Ishim for doing whatever he had to her to get this reaction._

 _Desperate to offer her any assistance he could short of smashing Ishim's face in with the hilt of his angel blade, Castiel stepped forward. "I'm actually rather good with sigils myself. I'll help Rebekah here." And he sat down before Ishim could say anything, and began to look over the designs Rebekah had be working on to craft a trap that they could put up in the area where they planned to meet the demons the next day._

 _Ishim's lip peeled back but just then Mirabelle came in with Micah and their commander snapped his mouth shut, tugging on his clothes dismissively as if to straighten them even though they didn't need to be straightened. "Very well, Castiel; you and Rebekah finish up here if you wish. Mirabelle and I will take the next shift once Benjamin gets back."_

 _Castiel wanted to feel triumphant that he had put a halt on whatever Ishim had been attempting. But the angel's steely glare directed at him was enough to tell Castiel that this was far from over, and he began to wonder whether, in the long run, he had only made it worse._

* * *

"Cas?"

Castiel started, realizing that he had drifted off and Sam was still waiting for some kind of explanation. He bit his lip, shook his head. "Ishim is not a good angel, Sam. He never was, and I doubt anything has changed. People like him don't change." Castiel added more quietly.

Sam glanced over at him, a worried crease in his brow. "Cas, are you sure you want to work with him on this? If it's that bad—"

"It's almost over now," Castiel cut in quickly. "If we find Lily, then we can end this and with any luck I'll never have to see Ishim again." Just the thought of Dean being alone with him was making Castiel nervous, anxious for this all to be over as soon as possible. Of course he knew the elder Winchester could look after himself, but still…

Sam nodded, looking like he wanted to ask more, but Sam was never as invasive and demanding about these sorts of things as Dean was. "Okay, I hear you. We're here anyway." He pulled the Impala into the parking lot of the hotel Sam had tracked Lily to.

Castiel looked up at the hotel as he climbed out of the Impala. His body still felt heavy and there was a dull headache behind his eyes. He regretted healing Ishim so completely, especially if he ended up having to fight within the next few minutes. He looked up at the hotel, wondering if Lily knew he was here yet. If she was even back from killing Ezra…

"You can stay here, you know, Sam. This is my problem, after all. You didn't have to come with me," he said, trying one last time to keep his friend from walking into the line of fire.

But Sam stood his ground. "Okay, first of all, this isn't your problem either since you were just following orders. You had nothing to do with this besides the simple fact that you were there. And second, no way am I leaving you to do this alone. She's after angels, not hunters, so just let me do the talking, try to reason with her. Maybe if we explain to her what happened, she'll at least be willing to listen." Sam shrugged. "And worst case scenario…angel blade."

Castiel sighed wearily. The idea of killing this woman didn't appeal to him. Despite the fact she had killed Benjamin and other old comrades, he just couldn't truly blame her. After all, her family had been murdered as Sam had pointed out earlier. It was only understandable that she would want to take revenge.

"Alright," he watched Sam check his information for the room number and then they started off toward the hotel.

They got to the right floor and Sam nodded down the hall toward the room. Castiel's hand itched for his angel blade, but they had both decided to go in unarmed, figuring that would help their case a little bit at least.

However, as they were turning down the hallway, they spotted a red-headed figure coming from the other end of the hall. She stopped, brandishing two angel blades, and falling into a fighting stance.

"How did you find me?" she demanded.

Sam held up his hands in a non-threatening gesture. "Lily, look, we just want to talk okay? We're not—"

She suddenly bolted into her room, and Sam and Castiel reacted instinctively, chasing after her before she could get at whatever she was obviously going for.

However, as soon as Castiel set foot over the threshold, he felt the concussion of something exploding and as agony tore through his body, stemming from his grace, he toppled onto the floor, hearing Sam's cries as if from a very long distance as everything faded to black.

* * *

 _Dean hated letting that douchebag_ Ishim drive, but he supposed it _was_ the angel's car, so he had little choice. It was a piece of crap anyway.

"So, you and Cas used to fight together?" Dean asked after a while.

"I commanded him before he…moved on. To bigger and better things," Ishim said, some mocking bitterness in his voice. Dean would have to be deaf not to notice the jealousy there.

"So let me guess; you just assume he thought he was too good for you or something?"

"Something like that," Ishim replied, voice as tight as his hands on the steering wheel.

"Well, I know Cas, and I'm sure that's not what was on his mind." Dean cast a sidelong look at the angel, narrowing his eyes. "If I were to bet anything, it would be that he got out of there because you're a huge dick."

Ishim actually chuckled. "Hm, funny how you defend him now. But I can tell there's tension between you two. Maybe Castiel isn't so friendly with you either. And I get it, he's hard to deal with."

Dean bit his tongue, not knowing what to reply to that. Just that Ishim was pissing him off even more. Sure, he and Cas might be at odds a little right now, but he didn't treat him like _this_ asshole…did he?

Dean reluctantly thought back to the diner the night before, where he asked Cas why he let Ishim talk to him the way he did, but in reality…Ishim hadn't said much worse than the things Dean had been saying to Cas lately. Keeping him from doing stuff by himself, pretty much telling him to his face that he was gonna screw up whatever he did…Dean felt a sudden pit in his stomach. Maybe Sam was right. He and Cas really needed to have a talk after this.

Ishim pulled off the road. "This is the place."

He got out of the car and Dean followed, looking around to see if that Lily Sunder chick was still there. He kind of hoped she was, maybe she'd even get the jump on Ishim and take him out—Dean certainly wouldn't be sad about that—but she had probably split and the angel who had called for help was probably dead as Cas had suspected. Well, with any luck Sam could get Lily to open up with his puppy eyes, and she wouldn't shiv Cas on principle.

Dean trailed Ishim down an ally. There was trash everywhere, and unmentionable puddles that Dean tried his best to avoid. But as he did so, he stepped in something else.

Black, flaky streaks covered the ground, marking the shadowy shape of feathers. Dean followed them up and saw the body, a young man lying prone with a hole in his chest and a shocked expression on his face.

Ishim heaved a sigh as he crouched beside the figure. "Well, I guess we were too late."

Dean walked over as well, looking down at the dead angel. Some remorse ran through him. Had Cas been close with this Ezra? Would his friend have to endure another painful loss of a comrade?

"Shame," Ishim was saying, bringing Dean back to the situation at hand. "Ezra was always a good soldier. Did as I told him, never mouthed off. I'm disappointed to lose him."

Dean bristled slightly. "You didn't seem disappointed to lose Benjamin."

Ishim shrugged. "Can't lie, I guess. Benjamin was difficult."

"Like Cas?" Dean asked flatly.

Ishim finally straightened and turned back around to Dean, a sharp glint in his eyes. "Castiel always had a problem with authority. I guess that's why he decided to hang around with mud monkeys who were too dumb to do anything but follow him around."

Dean bristled. "Okay, first of all, I'm not some dumb monkey who just goes around following orders. And second, Cas only ever had a 'problem' with authority because he was one of the few who realized that sometimes you flying assholes needed to be questioned."

"And who taught him that?" Ishim asked. "Castiel may have been defiant on occasion, but he was still a good soldier and at the end of the day, he would follow orders like one. But after he saved you, and you and your half demonic brother corrupted him, he betrayed all of us. He made the angels fall, and he never would have been able to figure that out if it wasn't for you."

"Oh, well, you know what? Screw you," Dean growled. "Cas is his own person. He always has been. And I know how much that bothers you angels to think about, but it's true. But most of all, he's _our_ family, and I'm not gonna let you talk about him like that anymore."

"Oh really?" Ishim cocked an eyebrow. "Well, I hate to say it, Dean, but Castiel and I really need to have a long chat. And you're gonna sit in on it."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Dean frowned, instantly on the alert.

"Just this," Ishim said and before Dean could register what was happening, Ishim brought up the butt of his angel blade and he slammed it into the side of Dean's face.

Everything went black.

* * *

 _Dean woke groggily,_ his head pounding as he jerked it upright, prying his eyes open to see where he was.

He groaned as he saw he was back in the church that Ishim was using as a safe house, propped against a wall. Ishim himself was right in front of Dean's face, grinning sadistically as he did something to Dean's hands.

"Well, now, glad you woke up just in time for me to leave," Ishim said, tugging something which forced Dean's hands up above his head, clanking. Dean grunted as he felt cuffs or chains or something around his wrists, tight and unlikely to move. Ishim threaded the chain through a railing that was attached to the wall and then stood up.

"What the hell?" Dean demanded, tugging on the chains, and finding them uncomfortably tight.

"Do yourself a favor and stay put," Ishim said. "I'm going to go get Castiel and your brother and when I get back we're going to have a nice long chat, _Cas_ and I. And you…" he kicked Dean in the stomach, folding him over as much as his restraints would allow, "are going to help him see reason."

"Ah, I should have known you had hidden agendas," Dean muttered. "So what, you working with Lily Sunder after all?"

Ishim laughed darkly. "Her? No. But maybe back in the day, I didn't tell everyone the whole truth about her. But it's neither here nor there. She reunited me with Castiel and now I'm going to make him fix what he's done or pay for his sins. Either way, I guess I have to thank her. Now be a good mud monkey, and don't run off," Ishim said, patting Dean none-too-gently on the cheek.

Dean jerked away, and growled at Ishim as he turned and stalked out of the church. "Cas is never gonna fall for this, you know!" he said. "He's not gonna do crap for you!"

"Oh, I know," Ishim said, glancing over his shoulder. "That's why I've got leverage. Because if I know anything about Castiel, it's that the one way to get at him is to go through the people he cares about."

The door closed and Dean growled, yanking at the chains for several minutes straight before he gave up, knowing there was no budging them. Even the railing seemed like one of the few actually sturdy things left in this wreck.

He slumped back against the wall, resting his aching head back.

He only hoped that Sam and Cas would see Ishim coming a mile away and be able to do the dick in before he got the jump on them.

Of course, when did anything ever go right for them?


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay guys, here's where things start to get real...**

Chapter Five

 _Once they got back to Heaven after the demons were taken care of, Castiel kept a close eye on Rebekah. He hadn't gotten a chance to talk to her about Ishim—their commander always seemed to be lurking around whenever he saw Castiel and Rebekah within proximity of each other. But Castiel was determined to make sure that she was okay._

 _Unfortunately, Ishim seemed to be setting him and Benjamin both more and more undesirable tasks. Between filing paperwork for new soul arrivals in Heaven, and sending them on any grunt mission that came up, they were either sequestered or away from the garrison a lot._

 _Benjamin was starting to get annoyed with it, to put it mildly, as they sat, one day, in a tiny office at a desk stacked high with files, each one a run down of a new soul admitted to Heaven. The angels were meticulous about such things. This second World War was keeping everyone busy. "This is ridiculous. We're supposed to be warriors, but they have us here doing paperwork! What are we, fledglings?"_

 _Castiel shook his head, but was more worried about_ why _Ishim was doing this than what he was doing._

Castiel, please. Help me, he won't leave!

 _The prayer through angel radio came so suddenly and was full of such distress that Castiel squinted in pain. Benjamin, realizing instantly that something was wrong, stopped complaining._

 _"Castiel, what is it?"_

 _"It's Rebekah," Castiel said, dread filling him as he stood from the desk and hurried out of the room, down the hall toward the barracks. "I have to go. Cover for me."_

 _"Cas—!" Benjamin called, but Castiel was already gone._

 _When he got to the barracks, he could feel Rebekah's distress. He almost tripped over Micah, who was huddled beside his bunk, arms around his knees._

 _"Micah, are you well?" Castiel asked suddenly, before he saw the black eye._

 _"He's really angry," Micah said in a soft voice. "Rebekah tried to stop him. He-he's so angry."_

 _Castiel set his jaw and strode further into the barracks toward their armory, where he could see that the door was slightly ajar. He could hear Rebekah's protests inside before the sharp sound of flesh striking flesh._

 _"Stop it, Rebekah," Ishim's voice growled. "You're far more attractive when you're not sniveling."_

 _"Ishim, please," she whimpered. "Let me go."_

 _Castiel burst in, the door slamming against the wall. Ishim had Rebekah by the wrists, pinning her against the wall, with his body. Castiel had seen her face enemies with not an ounce of the terror he saw in her eyes now and it made him forget himself. He simply lunged forward, grabbed Ishim by the back of his shirt and yanked him away._

 _"Get away from her!" he snapped._

 _"Well, if it isn't Castiel, playing the knight in shining armor again," Ishim commented with a sneer. "I would leave if you know what's good for you."_

 _"Ishim, you know what you're doing is not right," Castiel snarled at him, planting himself firmly between Rebekah and the other angel. "This is abominable."_

 _"You know what's abominable is a soldier who can't follow the orders of his superior," Ishim said in a low, dangerous voice._

 _"Maybe the orders need questioning," Castiel growled low._

 _Ishim struck him across the face. With everything he had done to the others, he had never actually hit Castiel before. But the rage behind the blow was enough to let Castiel know he had hit a nerve._

 _But he didn't stand down either, and Ishim simply stared back, obviously furious._

 _"One of these days, Castiel," he said finally. "I will teach you your place. And then…then you'll truly understand the meaning of repentance."_

 _He cast one last look at Rebekah before he spun on his heel and left. Castiel was relieved, but wary. He knew well enough this wasn't the end of it. It was never the end of it._

 _He turned toward Rebekah instead who was huddled against the wall. He reached out gently and took one of her hands. "Rebekah, are you okay? Did he hurt you?" He reached up to gently touch the welt on the side of her face and push some healing grace into it._

 _She shook her head, but there was still fear in her eyes and she was trembling. "I didn't…I didn't know what he wanted before. But…oh Castiel, it's just so wrong."_

 _Castiel folded her in his arms as she collapsed toward him. He let his grace touch hers in a soothing way, trying to stop her trembling. Her grace itself felt wretched, violated, letting him know exactly what she was feeling. Castiel's anger skyrocketed and he vowed that he wouldn't let this stand._

 _"I won't let him touch you again," he told Rebekah._

 _She was silent. Perhaps they both knew that was only wishful thinking._

* * *

 _Castiel went to Zachariah the next day to report Ishim. The only thing he got from his superior was a tongue-lashing._

 _"You've come up with some ridiculous accusations before, Castiel, but this is honestly the worst yet," Zachariah sneered. "How dare you accuse your commanding officer of attempting to assault another angel, especially in such a human and violating way!"_

 _Castiel swallowed hard, trying to force his indignant anger down. "This is not the first time Ishim has tried this, and he beats the younger angels mercilessly, typically for no reason!"_

 _"Enough lies, Castiel, before I have you punished on principle!" Zachariah said. "If I hear you spreading any more disgusting rumors about your commander again, I'll put you into re-education and I know you don't want to go back there—do you, Castiel?"_

 _Castiel's stomach flipped sickly at the vague memory of inexplicable agony and Zachariah's voice saying over and over again, 'Who do you serve, Castiel?!'._

 _Castiel realized something that day. It wasn't that Zachariah didn't believe him, it was that he just didn't care._

 _Castiel's heart ached for his brothers and sisters and the justice they would never get._

* * *

Castiel started out of the memory, jerking upright before finding he could only go so far. He heard the distinctive rattle of chains and groaned, tugging at his hands, which were cuffed and connected to something behind his head.

"Good, you're awake," came a female voice and Castiel looked up to see Lily Sunder standing over him. He was propped up beside the bed in the hotel room, the sigiled cuffs on his wrists threaded behind the post at the head of the bed to keep him from going anywhere. He glanced past her and saw Sam, watching warily. He was restrained against the closet doors, but he looked unscathed, Castiel saw with relief.

"Lily, we only came to talk," Castiel told her. His head was buzzing dully and he shook it in an attempt to clear the haze, having to close his eyes again.

Lily smiled grimly. "It's a bit of a rush, isn't it? I'm not going to apologize for using that spell. It's all that you deserve."

"What did you do to me?" Castiel asked.

"It's just a simple thing, really," Lily told him. "A few of the proper sigils and it locked your grace down long enough for me to overpower you."

Castiel frowned. "So if I was powerless why didn't you just kill me? You didn't have any qualms about killing the others."

"I would have, believe me," Lily told him, but tossed her head over to Sam. "But he convinced me I should listen to your side of the story. So, Castiel—what do you have to say in your defense? How does it feel killing an innocent child?"

Her voice wavered slightly, the grief even after all these years, going straight to Castiel's heart as he recalled the screams that came from the house after Ishim had gone in.

"Lily, you have to understand," he said quietly. "Angels…we follow orders. And as…unsavory as it can be, sometimes we have to do things for the greater good. Your daughter, she was a nephillim. I know you understand what that means, that she could have grown up with the power to destroy the world itself."

Lily's mouth opened in shock. " _What?_ You think she…" She turned around, a hand going to her mouth as her one good eye glinted with unshed tears. She whipped back around to Castiel, an angel blade suddenly in her hand. "Her name was May," she said firmly. "And she was beautiful. And you took her away from me!" She raised the blade to strike Castiel and he turned his face aside, but it obviously wasn't going to do any good.

"Whoa, Lily, wait! Just wait!" Sam shouted, yanking at his chains. "You promised to let him tell his side."

"I already heard his side. He obviously doesn't care. He doesn't even know," she hissed, still glaring at Castiel.

"Then…perhaps you could tell us your side of the story," Sam offered, and Castiel was grateful as always for his tactful calm when dealing with situations like this. "I only heard what Cas and Ishim told me. But I'd like to hear what you have to say."

"As would I," Castiel told her sincerely. "Please."

Lily stared at Castiel for another long moment, and the angel was sure she would just stab him anyway, but then she slowly turned and sank into a chair nearby, shaking her head.

"I should have known," she said almost to herself before she turned to glare at Castiel again. "What you failed to understand was that I had my daughter long before I ever set eyes on an angel," she said firmly.

Castiel's eyes widened as he glanced at Sam. "No," he said, distress carving a new hole through his chest. "No, that can't be…"

"She was human," Sam breathed.

"But then why…?" Castiel could hardly get the words out, horror giving him a bitter taste in his mouth. "The anomaly that was felt…" Of course, now that he thought back on it, he hadn't remembered feeling anything at the time. Certainly nothing like what he'd felt when Lucifer had sired a nephillim. Ishim and Mirabelle had simply told them about the mission they would be going on. He'd only believed what he had been told.

"Why?" Lily asked. "Ask Ishim. You probably labor under the delusion that he's a noble warrior, beautiful, perfect, like I did once. But he is a _monster."_ Her eyes clouded darkly and she glanced between Castiel and Sam again.

Castiel swallowed hard, not bothering to contradict her. He knew well enough. He just wondered how she seemed to know so well.

"All my life, I have studied angels," she told them. "And when I found a spell to summon one…" She shook her head as if seeing it all over again. "Ishim was the one who came to me. At first I thought he was perfect, but…" A bitter hatred entered her countenance. "Then he showed me his true colors." She turned toward Sam now, seeming not to want to look at Castiel. "At first he told me things, we spent many late nights talking, and I was fascinated by the things he shared with me. About angels, about Heaven…oh there were so many things I could never have dreamed of knowing. But then he became possessive. He started…making unwanted advances on me. He scared me, in his intensity, and I couldn't just do nothing, May was so young." Her hands clenched around the angel blade she still held in her lap, the memories obviously causing her distress.

Castiel felt the bitter taste in his mouth that only truth could leave. This story seemed so much more likely than the one he had been spun years ago about Akobel taking a human wife. He thought back to Ishim's unwanted advances on Rebekah, the way he treated her, and had a feeling he knew exactly what Lily had gone through. Except she was human and all alone. If Ishim had tried anything, she never would have had a chance.

"What did you do?" Sam asked her gently, looking just as disgusted as Castiel felt.

"I prayed for help," Lily said. "I was worried Ishim might hear me, but thankfully Akobel came to my aid. He seemed to know what Ishim was really like, and he stayed to protect me." She turned her hate-filled gaze onto Castiel again. "And then you came and you killed him!"

Castiel shook his head, distress eating away at him. "Lily, I never truly thought Akobel deserved that. But we followed orders—"

"Orders to kill an innocent? Orders to kill one of your own comrades?" Lily screamed, standing up to loom over Castiel. "To kill a little girl?" She struck him across the face in her anger, the butt of her angel blade splitting his cheek open as his head cracked to one side against the bedpost he was chained to.

"Lily, stop!" Sam pleaded. Castiel didn't say anything in his defense. After all, it was only fair.

She took a deep breath, calming herself and returning to sit down, but still didn't let go of the blade. This time she stared directly at Castiel, meeting his gaze. "You want to know why I've been killing your garrison?" she asked. "Because when Ishim came into my house, he accused me of throwing him away for Akobel, when he only came to protect me. Ishim is a jealous, possessive, bastard. Do you know why he killed my daughter?" she demanded.

Castiel shook his head, since she was obviously waiting for some kind of acknowledgement.

A tear slid down her cheek. "He knew she was human. He knew why Akobel was there. The only reason he killed May was to break me. So that's why that monster has to die!"

"Lily, I'm so sorry," Castiel tried, sincerely. "If we had known…"

"It's too late for that," Lily said.

"Lily, look," Sam said, still reasonable. "I get wanting revenge—I really do. But I'm sure you agree that Ishim is the one truly responsible for this. Why kill his garrison?"

"They were all there, they are as responsible as he is!" Lily said.

Sam shook his head. "But you heard what Cas said. They didn't _know_. I'm sure you know Ishim would have kept that from them, right?"

"I wanted him to be scared," Lily said bitterly. "Helpless. Like I was. That's why I picked all of his garrison off first." She turned to Castiel then. "And now I have you, Castiel, you're the last."

She stood and raised the blade. Castiel sat up straighter, wondering what to do. Should he fight? Did he deserve what was coming? Perhaps this was just the result of his killing Billie. Maybe it was finally his time to die and never return.

"Lily, wait," Sam pleaded, yanking at his restraints.

But Lily never got the chance to use the blade on Castiel anyway. Because at that moment, the door slammed open and Ishim burst in. Castiel expected to see Dean with him, but the elder Winchester was nowhere to be seen. Castiel frowned, feeling instantly that something was not right.

Lily spun around. "Ishim," she growled.

"Ah, Lily," Ishim said, his voice oily. "It's been a long time, my love."

She let out a strangled scream and rushed the angel.

"Lily, don't!" Castiel cried, but it was too late. Lily swung her blade at Ishim, scoring a cut to his upper arm, before he spun out of the way, and grabbed her sword arm.

Lily struggled and her palm glowed briefly as she threw a blast of power at Ishim, but it didn't seem to do more than knock him back a step. He grinned.

"Ah, Lily, you know you can't do anything to me. No matter what powers you've gained over the years. Remember who taught you how to use them."

She growled and lunged again. She scored a brief cut to Ishim's forearm, but obviously wan't enough to stop him. Castiel tugged harder at his manacles, knowing she couldn't last for long and unable to stand the thought of Ishim destrouing her.

He threw her to the ground but to her credit, Lily leapt quickly back to her feet, and held up a hand. Her palm glowed and invisible force shot toward Ishim, throwing him back against the wall.

He looked surprised for a couple seconds but then anger took over and he lunged forward, blade raised.

Lily went to meet his fearlessly, only to come to an abrupt stop as Ishim grabbed her around the waist in a mocking lover's embrace and slid his blade into her stomach.

"Goodbye, my love," he sneered.

Lily gasped, then gave a choked off cry as Ishim twisted the blade, and her eyes sparked out. He pulled his blade out and let her drop carelessly to the floor.

Castiel and Sam watched the scene in horror, finally coming back to themselves as Ishim turned to them. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his blade.

"Well, that's over," he said nonchalantly. "And she was so kind as to tie you both up for me."

"Ishim, let us go," Castiel growled warningly.

Ishim raised his eyebrows. "But why would I do that? I've been wanting to have a chat with you, Castiel." He moved to stand over him. "This makes for the perfect opportunity." Without warning, he slammed his fist into Castiel's face. The captive angel grunted at the force of the blow, and had no time to recover before another came, and another and another, interspersed with heavy kicks to his ribs and stomach. Castiel could vaguely hear Sam shouting his protests in the background, and was only barely aware when the blows finally stopped, his body still singing with pain. He looked up blearily at Ishim standing over him rolling his shoulders.

"Mm," the angel gave a satisfied grunt. "That felt good."

"So that's it?" Castiel croaked, spitting blood to one side as he glared up at Ishim, one of his eyes barely open as blood dripped down the side of his face. "You can only beat me when I'm tied up? After all these years, you never had the guts until now?"

Ishim sneered. "Watch your tongue, boy."

"Forgive me if I'm not impressed," Castiel continued wryly. He glanced past Ishim toward Sam who was working on untying himself. Castiel would try to keep the other angel's focus on him. "After all, I just watched you stab a woman to death. A woman, whose child you _murdered_."

Ishim snorted. "Surely, you didn't believe the lies she likely told you, Castiel?"

"Lily Sunder wasn't lying," Castiel said, trying to force himself up straighter, his body protesting from the beating. "You on the other hand…I don't believe a thing coming out of your mouth, Ishim. I _never_ should have."

Ishim shrugged. "Well, that's neither here nor there to me. You'll give me what I'm asking for either way. If you ever want to see either of your pet mud monkeys alive again."

Terror washed through Cas as Dean's became painfully obvious. "What did you do to Dean?" he demanded. "If you've hurt him…"

"Oh, don't worry, Dean is fine. For now. And he'll stay that way as long as you cooperate."

"Yeah, or we can just skip that part," Sam said.

Ishim finally turned his attention toward the younger Winchester. Castiel had been keeping an eye on him as Sam fought to undo his bonds while Ishim was distracted with their conversation. The hunter had gotten one hand loose and was busy making a banishing sigil which he now held a hand over threateningly.

Ishim laughed, and Castiel knew exactly what he was going to say. He didn't want to admit that the angel was actually probably going to be truthful this time. All he wanted was for Sam to get out of there and get to Dean.

"Go ahead—do it," Ishim said, holding his arms out invitingly. "You blast me away, you blast away every angel in the room." Sam hesitated, glancing at Castiel who was trying to convey to him to _just do it._

"Of course, Castiel is injured," Ishim said, false regret in his voice. "The spell doesn't treat injured angels as kindly as it does hale and hearty ones. So me, I'll be back eventually, but Cas on the other hand, well…he might just end up a bloody smear on the wall. But it's up to you, if you feel like taking that chance. Roll the dice."

"Sam," Castiel said quietly.

But Sam yanked his hand away and Castiel slumped, half angry, but also somewhat warmed inside that Sam wouldn't risk him. Ishim smirked.

"Just as I thought. Trained monkeys." He knelt to reaffix the cuffs that Lily had used on Sam around the hunter's wrists after unlatching them from around the closet door handles.

"Let's go visit Dean, shall we? I bet he's getting anxious." Ishim hauled Sam to his feet and then turned back to Castiel. "And you, Castiel…I think I'd better finish my work here, it will be easier to transport you this way.

"Ishim…" Castiel tried, but he was already too injured to get out of the way as Ishim's boot descended into the side of his head and everything went black.

* * *

" _There's another band of rogue demons amassing near a Hell portal," Mirabelle said one day, coming into the barracks out of the blue while everyone was preparing for training. "We've been asked to see to it."_

 _Castiel frowned, wondering why so many demons had been trying to get onto earth lately. He wondered if they might have had plans that nobody knew about._

 _He shared a look with Benjamin and Rebekah, the three of them secretly glad for a little action. After all, anything to distract Ishim from his typical machinations._

 _The demon sighting had been around southern Wyoming, which was disconcerting, because Castiel knew there was a Hellgate in the vicinity and even though Samuel Colt had warded it well back in the day, he didn't entirely trust a simple human, expert hunter or not, to be able to completely demon proof a Hellgate. If the demons were sighted near there, it could only mean that they were trying to find a way to open it._

 _Castiel knew they couldn't let that happen at any cost._

 _Unfortunately, it turned out that the cost was a lot higher than expected._

 _They landed not far from the place where the demons had been sighted and Ishim looked around with a sniff._

 _"I can smell the demon filth nearby," he said with a growl and nodded to Mirabelle. "We'll split up. You take half the squadron and I'll take the other."_

 _Something just didn't feel right to Castiel about this. He approached Ishim._

 _"Ishim, shouldn't we scout a bit and see where exactly the demons are before we decide to split up?" he asked. "There could be more now than there were before during the initial recon."_

 _Ishim's face went from sour to furious. "Are you questioning my authority?"_

 _Mirabelle narrowed her eyes at Castiel as well. "There's nothing to worry about, Castiel. This is a routine clean up. We'll eliminate the abominations and be back in Heaven by sunset."_

 _Castiel opened his mouth to protest again but caught Rebekah and Micah's wide-eyed look behind him and saw true fear from them. Castiel held his tongue, feeling instantly sick. He wasn't the only one who had figured out when and why Ishim would dole out certain punishments._

 _Ishim almost smirked. "Good soldier, Castiel."_

 _Castiel bristled, clenching his fists at his sides, but by then, Ishim was already striding off, splitting half the garrison with Mirabelle, and they had no choice but to follow._

 _It was all downhill from there._

 _No sooner had they split up that the sound of hounds baying in the distance could be heard. The hair on the back of Castiel's neck stood on end as he recognized that sound._

 _"Hellhounds!" someone yelled in the back of the ranks._

 _It was as if the demons had been watching them, waiting for them to split up, because they were on the angels within seconds. Castiel heard the terrified screams of his brothers and sisters as they were taken down without warning, several in the back of the guard perishing in the first attack._

 _Then they got into gear and started fighting back, but by then, the hellhounds had joined the fray and chaos truly began to ensue._

 _"Ishim! We have to rejoin Mirabelle's group!" Castiel cried through the sounds of battle. "Quickly before—"_

 _A choked off scream sounded behind him, right where Micah had been. Castiel whipped around and saw a hellhound with its huge maw around the young angel's throat, tearing and flinging Micah back and forth on the ground like a ragdoll. Castiel stared in horror for a long second as the beast finally released Micah's body so that the young angel fell into a limp heap on the ground. Castiel watched as Micah's grace burned out in front of his eyes. Then he turned and stabbed the hellhound through the back of the neck with his angel blade, anger and grief lending him strength through his shock._

 _"Cas! Help!"_

 _Castiel whipped around and saw Benjamin then, sprinting toward him with two hellhounds on his tail. Castiel choked back his shock at Micah's violent demise for the moment and lunged forward to try his best and save the remaining garrison._

 _"What do you think you're doing, you coward?" Ishim snarled as he caught Benjamin before he could reach safety, and spun him around to face the oncoming hounds. "Put your pretty vessel's hands to good use!"_

 _Castiel couldn't breathe. Benjamin didn't even have his blade in his hand. Castiel thought he might have lost it or in his terror he hadn't yet pulled it out. Either way, he couldn't stand to lose another dear friend that day, so Castiel did the only thing he could think of and jumped in front of Benjamin._

 _The hellhounds collided with him with a snapping snarl of teeth and claws. Castiel received several deep furrows in his thigh from one, which he swiftly took out with his blade before he turned to the other. But he wasn't quick enough to avoid the second hellhound leaping at him and clapping its jaws around his shoulder._

 _Castiel cried out at the sudden agony that flared through him. He collapsed to the ground under the weight of the hound, his arm pinned, rendering his blade useless._

 _Now that the hound had him down, it released his shoulder with an agonizing twist, and snarled at Castiel. Lowering its blood-soaked fangs toward his throat to end his life too, just like Micah._

 _But there was a battle cry and suddenly two figures were above him, blades descending into the hellhound, which whipped around, snapping, then whimpered and yelped as the blades flashed, stabbing again and again before the hound finally keeled over, dead._

 _"Cas!" Benjamin and Rebekah were standing above him. Benjamin shoved the dead hound off Castiel, and then he and Rebekah both reached down to help him to his feet._

 _"Are you all right?" Rebekah asked him as Castiel staggered upright with a groan, bending over and clutching his shoulder._

 _"I'll live," he said, though he knew the effects hellhound bites had on angels. It wasn't going to be pretty—that was if any of them got out of there alive at all._

 _Castiel looked around at the struggling army. His eyes finally settled on Ishim, firmly planted in the middle of his soldiers away from harm, doing nothing but shouting orders. Castiel's anger ignited further._

 _"Come on," he said in a low, decided voice, trying to shut out the pain wracking his body. "We're going to save the garrison."_

Everyone, retreat back to Mirabelle and head here to make a stand _, Castiel sent out to everyone through their angelic communication, sending the image of a place he had noticed on the way in that looked like a good place to make a stand. Amazingly, angels started slipping into the ethereal plane and heading to join the rest of the garrison. Ishim began to look around, furious. Castiel gave him one look before he took Benjamin and Rebekah with him. If Ishim chose to follow, fine. If not, then he could properly distract the hellhounds from the rest of them._

 _Once united with the rest of their garrison, Castiel saw that the rest of the demons were over there, but as a united force, and with a good choke point. Finally, the tide was turned on the demons and soon they were completely taken out, as well as the hellhounds that accompanied them._

 _Castiel stood panting as the battle concluded, dizzy from the pain in his shoulder and the beginnings of the effects of the hellhound bite._

 _Ishim stormed up to him, looking a little rough, but—unfortunately, Castiel was sort of ashamed to admit—he hadn't actually gotten bitten. He grabbed Castiel by the front of his coat and shook him._

 _"How dare you give orders in my garrison, you little pissant!" he shouted, shaking Castiel harder and jolting his injuries._

 _"Your garrison was dying," Castiel ground out. "I did what had to be done. What you did not."_

 _"I should teach you a lesson," Ishim snarled._

 _"Then teach it!" Castiel snapped back. Maybe it was the poison running through his veins but he was feeling particularly bold. "You should have sent out another recon before we went in there without knowing what we were getting into. We didn't know about the hellhounds at all! Good angels died today because you couldn't wait ten more minutes to check the ground."_

 _"How dare you question me?" Ishim said in a low, dangerous voice. "The deaths are casualties of war. And your little pal, Micah, well, he got what he deserved."_

 _That did it for Castiel. He was about to swing a fist into Ishim's face and damn the consequences, when everything started to blur. His body felt like it was on fire and he was falling. He heard Benjamin and Rebekah calling to him in the background and Ishim's face becoming farther and farther away from him, a mocking look in the other angel's eyes as arms caught Castiel, slowing his descent to the ground._

 _But that was the last thing he remembered. After that was just darkness._

* * *

 **Alright, so yes, I decided to kill Lily off in this AU, but wait out the story because I think you'll see my reason for it later.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay everyone, things start coming to a head in this chapter!**

Chapter Six

 _The infirmary was bright and peaceful. While most of Heaven was stark white and clinical, the infirmary was at least a place of comfort where a wounded soldier could take his or her rest. All breezy spaces and white linen sheets. Castiel almost didn't want to leave it, even though part of him was getting very stir crazy. He was almost completely healed by now, the healer who had changed his bandages that morning said that the wounds were very nearly gone, and while he was tired, his body had lost the painful ache that had come with the poisoning._

 _He was just thinking of falling into a resting state again, hoping that when he woke up this time, he would be well enough to leave, when he caught sight of the healer coming over to his bed with another angel in tow._

 _"He's right over here," she said in her calm and pleasant voice. "Castiel, you have a visitor."_

 _Castiel was surprised to see Anna coming over to stand at the foot of his bed. He scrambled to sit up straight, knowing she out-ranked him even though they had trained together as young soldiers, and he was suddenly ashamed that she had to see him in such a weakened state._

 _"Commander Anna, I am…sorry for my appearance," he stuttered._

 _Anna only gave him a smile of genuine warmth and took a seat on the side of the bed beside Castiel's so she could face him. "Don't trouble yourself, Castiel. You're hurt; I wouldn't expect you to stand on ceremony. How are your injuries?"_

 _"Much better now," Castiel replied, still shifting uncomfortably. "Anna, I don't wish to be rude, but why have you come to see me?"_

 _"First I simply wanted to see if you were all right," she said and Castiel was warmed by the truth he saw in her eyes as well as the relief to find that he was indeed doing okay. He hadn't gotten to see much of Anna recently, but he still recalled her friendship fondly. "And I also had a proposition for you."_

 _Castiel frowned, cocking his head to one side. "A proposition?"_

 _"Yes, to be my lieutenant," Anna said._

 _Castiel was shocked, his mouth opening but nothing coming out until he finally managed, "Y-Your lieutenant?"_

 _Anna nodded. "Your actions in this last battle, they were very brave. Some of the angels have noticed. They think you should be promoted. There are no new flights to command at the moment, but I offered to give you position of lieutenant in my garrison after losing Tamiel to the demons last autumn."_

 _"I…I don't know what to say. Thank you," Castiel managed, trying to convey just how grateful he was for this offer. The true implications started to come to him. Joining Anna's garrison wouldn't only mean promotion to a better, larger, flight of angels, but it would also mean the obvious—leaving Ishim and his tyrannical leadership behind. Especially after the debacle at the Devil's gate in Wyoming, Castiel was even happier to say goodbye to his old garrison. Part of him was worried about the other angels in Ishim's command—the ones who survived—but perhaps he could still help them. Maybe even find better places for the ones Ishim particularly targeted._

 _Anna smiled at him again and stood. "Come see me when you are well, and I will show you your new duties," she said and then reached out and clasped his shoulder firmly. "I want to see you do well, brother. You are too good to be wasted with the likes of Ishim." Pure anger flashed through her eyes and Castiel wondered what else had been said at that council meeting. He watched as Anna strode back out of the infirmary and felt a new calm come over him. He was now not so weary of the idea of leaving the infirmary._

* * *

 _The next day, the healer gave him leave to go, saying that he was completely healed. Castiel certainly felt better, not just in body but in spirit. He was going to head straight to Anna to get his new orders._

 _As he turned a corner though, someone was lurking in the hallway. A hand reached out to snag him, and Castiel glanced down with a scowl to see Ishim standing there, hand clenching over his shoulder where there had been a foul wound only days before._

 _His now former commander pushed his way into Castiel's personal space. "You think just because you're in a different command that I won't have my eye on you, Castiel?" he asked quietly._

 _Castiel stared at him blandly. "I'm sure you will, Ishim. But I plan to return the favor." He gripped the other angel's wrist and forced his hand from his shoulder. "But you will do well to remember that I am not yours to command anymore."_

 _He started to walk away as Ishim called back at him. "You think you're better than me, now; is that it?"_

 _Castiel shouldn't have said it, but he couldn't help himself. He was elated to be away from Ishim's command, and he was frankly done with the angel and his attitude. He glanced back over his shoulder. "I've never thought you were better than me, Ishim." And then he walked away._

* * *

 _That night while Castiel was being welcomed into his new garrison by some of his oldest friends—Anna, Balthazar, Ezekiel, among others—Ishim, who'd gotten nothing but hated glances from the other angels since they got back from the mission, had had enough, and decided to take it out on the angel he'd had his eye on for a long time. Rebekah tried to call for help, but that night, there was no one to hear her._

* * *

"Castiel? You awake? I'm beginning to get impatient."

Castiel grunted, startling awake as a heavy boot thudded into his stomach, kicking him onto his back. He blinked his eyes open blearily, one refusing to open at all, and the other sticky with what he figured was blood.

A figure bent over him and Castiel felt distaste as he saw that it was Ishim.

"Wakey, wakey, Castiel," the other angel said in a singsong voice, crouching down. "The mud monkeys are getting restless. They're afraid I hit you on the head too hard. But you're just fine, like I tired to tell them, right?"

Castiel groaned and did his best to try and push himself up onto his knees, but only barely got his manacled hands against the ground before Ishim simply reached down and hauled him up by the front of his coat.

"Sam…Dean?" Castiel called.

"We're here, Cas," Dean's voice came from one side and Castiel looked over, seeing both brothers tied up as well. His heart sank, though he was relieved to see that they were seemingly unharmed, aside from some dried blood on one side of Dean's head. He also realized they were back in Ishim's safe house. Dean was crouched against the wall, next to the stairs that led up to the dais, hands chained to a railing bolted to the wall. Sam was next to him in the same position.

"I hope you don't mind that I invited them," Ishim said as he maneuvered Castiel over to an archway. There was a chain hanging there and Ishim grabbed it and threaded it around Castiel's already manacled hands, locking it in place. Castiel was stretched up on his toes, grunting as he tested his bonds. "I didn't want them to miss our chat. What with them being an integral part of it and all."

"Ishim," Castiel growled. "Do not hurt them. Please, you can do anything you want to me, just don't hurt them."

"Like hell, Cas!" Dean snapped. "We can take care of ourselves!"

"Dean," Castiel warned, just wishing the hunter wouldn't draw any more attention to himself. Not that it was likely to do any good.

Ishim just chuckled. "Oh, this is going to be a lot more fun than I thought. I love that you think anything you say is going to stop me from doing what I want." Ishim shoved Castiel hard in the chest and he swung back and forth in the chains before he managed to regain his footing. Ishim then reached into his coat and pulled out an angel blade, Castiel's own, and tested it against his thumb. "You know why we're meant to stay away from humans?" he asked, glancing toward Sam and Dean as if they were something disgusting he had found on the bottom of his shoe. "It's not because we're a danger to them." He stalked back toward Castiel, blade raised. "They're a danger to us. Case in point." He made a quick slice across Castiel's collarbone, causing the captive angel to flinch.

"My friendship with Sam and Dean has made me stronger," he gritted out.

"Oh come on, Castiel," Ishim said with a derisive laugh. "You can't really believe that. I mean, look what they've gotten you into now. You care so much about them, I bet you'd let me do just anything to you if I promised their release." He pressed the blade harder under Castiel's collarbone, and then slowly sank it in. Castiel bit back a cry, gritting his teeth so hard his bruised jaw ached. "How far would you go to protect them?" The blade was sinking further into his shoulder and Castiel was unable to help a grunt.

"Stop!" Sam cried, as Dean let out a varied string of expletives.

Ishim ripped the blade out of Castiel's shoulder and the angel gasped, slumping in his chains as he felt the flare of damaged grace burst from the wound. He was in agony now, hanging there with an injured shoulder, but there was nothing he could do about it, and he wasn't about to show Ishim just how much it hurt.

"You know how long I've wanted to do this?" he asked, sadistic pleasure obvious in his voice. "How I envied Zachariah the privilege of stringing you up and putting you in your place?" He traced the blade down Castiel's chest before piercing his side suddenly. This time Castiel wasn't able to stop a sharp yelp. "You were always such a rebel. You asked too many questions, thought too much. You needed to be put in your place."

"And yet, I was loyal," Castiel gritted out. "To my comrades, to Heaven. You, on the other hand, you never had a scrap of loyalty. You took pleasure in hurting anyone who wouldn't fight back. I remember, Ishim. I remember every time you beat Micah and the other young angles. Every barbed comment you made to Benjamin about the friendship he had with his vessel, and Rebekah…what you did to her…" he shook his head, emotion choking him for a moment. "And then you set your sights on Lily Sunder too; took advantage of her friendship, her fascination with you and thought you could control her because she was just a human. You made it seem like it was Akobel in the wrong, but he was only there to protect her from _you_!" He was shouting now as Ishim faced him and it felt good to get it all off his chest at long last. "And you made us condemn him, you made _me_ denounce him—you put his blood on _our_ hands! And the blood of Lily's daughter too!" His voice rang off the rafters. "You _lied_ , Ishim! Because you were jealous and your own attachment to humanity was your downfall, and you tried to cover it up with the blood of innocents. You disgust me. You have _always_ disgusted me."

Ishim raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "I suppose I can't deny it. But I'm not going to apologize for it either. You were always too righteous for your own good." He stabbed the blade deeply into Castiel's thigh and this time he screamed, unable to stop himself.

"Cas!" Sam and Dean shouted at the same time.

Ishim gripped Castiel's hair, wrenching his head back as he glowered at him. "But I'm not interested in your accusations, Castiel. I'm here to make you pay for your own sins. You see, Heaven may have written you off, but I still think you might be useful." He began to move, stalking around Castiel, blade held thoughtfully. "Besides, it's only fair. You made the angels fall, you made us lose our wings. It's only right for you to clean up your own mess." He stopped in front of him again, tip of the angel blade pressing dangerously into Castiel's throat, forcing his head up.

"You think that I haven't tried to find some way to give the angels back their wings?" Castiel gritted out. "I truly care for our brothers and sisters. Despite what they seem to think of me."

Ishim shrugged. "Well, you can't really blame them, can you, Castiel? After all the angels you killed while you were—oh, what was it? 'doing the right thing'? I'm sure you can find a way to fix your mess with the right leverage. And if nothing else, we can make an example of you in Heaven. You are a traitor after all. No better than Lucifer really."

Castiel's gaze went to his feet. He accepted that the angels saw him as a traitor, but he really wasn't like Lucifer, was he?

"Cas, you know that's not true," Sam said.

"Yeah, that's crap," Dean snapped. Castiel glanced over at them, seeing the anger on their faces.

Ishim glanced over too and took the blade away from Castiel's throat. "But I know how to teach you a lesson, Castiel. I have other agendas than letting Heaven see their justice done. Ways to get you ready to help me. It's time to cut some ties." He grabbed Castiel by the hair again, getting close to his face. "You know, I used to envy you, Castiel, can you believe that?" he said, shaking his head. "You survived Hell, you were chosen by God. But look at you now." He thudded a fist into Castiel's stomach, making him grunt in pain from his various injuries. "You're so pathetic, and weak." He punched him again and then gripped Castiel around the throat, keeping him still in his chains. "But don't worry, brother. I'll help you," he said mockingly and glanced over at Sam and Dean who were fighting at their restraints in some poor attempt to get free. "I'm going to cure you of your human weakness. The same way I cured mine." Castiel's stomach clenched in fear as Ishim released him and took up the angel blade again. "By cutting it out."

He started toward the captive Winchesters and Castiel struggled weakly against his chains, but only resulted in swinging back and forth helplessly. "Ishim, don't!" he tired.

Ishim ignored him and strode over to the hunters, delivering a vicious kick to Dean's hip, wrenching a grunt of pain from his throat.

"Stop! Don't hurt them!" Castiel tried again pointlessly.

"Come on, Castiel," Ishim sneered. "He's just an ape, always talking down to you, mocking you," he kicked Dean again, gaining another grunt from the hunter. "I'm doing you a favor."

"Yeah, and you can do yourself a favor too," Dean growled up at Ishim. "Take that blade, and stick it where the sun don't—mhph!" His head cracked back against the wall from the force of Ishim's boot and then Ishim shoved his foot against Dean's chest, slamming him back against the wall.

"See? Always such a filthy tongue." He said and smashed his heel into Dean's solar plexus, causing the hunter to whumph out all his breath with a wheezing whimper. "I aught to cut it out."

"Stop hurting him!" Castiel demanded, but knew it wasn't going to do any good.

"Oh, of course, where are my manners?" Ishim said and promptly turned to Sam, grabbing a fistful of his hair and yanking his head back. "Sam's probably feeling lonely over here." He reached down with the blade and slashed it across Sam's chest. The younger Winchester gasped as blood seeped through his torn t-shirt.

"Get away from him, you dick!" Dean snarled.

"Hm, 'get away from Sam', 'stop hurting Dean'," Ishim said in a mocking voice. "So many options, I don't know what to do." He kicked Sam hard in the ribs and Sam cried out sharply, doubling over.

"You son of a bitch!" Dean snarled and began to twist around, getting a foot up to kick the railing he and Sam were chained to, but it wasn't going anywhere.

Ishim turned back around. "Oh, you want to get free? Let's have a go, shall we, Dean? Just you and me? Two soldiers on the field of battle?"

He swiftly snapped his fingers and Dean's cuffs unlocked. Dean staggered to his feet and Ishim stepped back several steps making a point to put his blade away, and motion Dean forward with a hand. "Let's see who wins."

"Dean, don't!" Castiel pleaded, terror overcoming him at the thought of Dean going up against Ishim with nothing but his bare hands. Ishim may be a coward at heart, but he was still a scrapper.

But then, so was Dean. And of course the idiot was already launching himself toward the angel, fist coming up to give Ishim a heavy, swift uppercut.

Ishim simply sidestepped, grabbing Dean's wrist and using his momentum to maneuver the hunter forward, off balance before Ishim brought a knee up into his stomach, then simply flipped Dean head over heels, to crash into one of the pews.

"Dean!" Sam cried, struggling in his own bonds.

"That's it, Sam, the more the merrier," Ishim mocked, and snapped his fingers again. Sam's chains gave way too, and he surged to his feet more cautiously. But Ishim was already stalking over to him.

Sam stood his ground, as Ishim approached him and dodged the angel's first punch, then kicked out at him. Ishim blocked his kick with his shin and slammed his foot into Sam's knee. Sam cried out and crumpled.

By then, Dean was staggering to his feet again and flinging himself toward Ishim. He bore the angel to the ground with his full body weight and got in several hits as Sam regained his feet and hurried over to Castiel, looking for a way to get him free.

"Sam, just leave me," Castiel pleaded, eyes frantically darting between Dean and Ishim, watching in horror as the angel was getting the upper hand again already, hand around Dean's throat. "Just…if you get a chance, get Dean and run. Don't worry about me."

"No way, Cas," Sam growled, as he yanked the chains that were attached to Castiel's manacles, attempting to work them loose.

Dean yelped as Ishim slammed him bodily against the ground. The angel leapt up and then kicked Dean viciously in the ribs. The sharp crack and Dean's scream as he curled around himself, told Castiel that something had broken.

"Ishim, stop!" he cried, terrified of watching one of his best friends being viciously beaten to death in front of him while he couldn't do anything.

"Cas," Sam said. "I think we can get this chain free if we both hang from it. Just…pick your feet up for a second."

Castiel didn't have time to think. He pulled his knees up, screaming as the pain in his shoulder and wrists intensified by ten, and Sam too grabbed the chain above him and between their combined weight, it popped free from the pillar Ishim had attached it too. Castiel collapsed to the floor in a heap, yelping at the pain jarring through his body. Sam grunted as he caught himself a little better beside him, and then reached down to help Castiel up.

Ishim turned toward them, anger flashing over his face. Dean still lay groaning on the ground, and Castiel wondered just how badly he was injured.

"Ishim, I said to stop hurting them," Castiel growled, trying to pretend he didn't have to be supported by Sam to stay on his feet. The stab wound in his thigh was really making it difficult.

"Oh? And what exactly are you going to do about it?" Ishim sneered. "Look at you, Castiel. You're a mess." He stalked over, angel blade in hand and simply slammed the butt of it into Sam's face, knocking him back to collapse on the ground. Castiel staggered and collapsed to his knees without Sam's support, and the fall jarred his body all over again. Ishim shook his head in disgust.

"You really are pathetic. After all these years, this is all that's left of Castiel, the hero. And you think your time with these…aberrations made you stronger." He snorted, reaching down to grip a fistful of Castiel's hair, wrenching his head back painfully. A small sound of discomfort escaped Castiel's throat. "I should do you a favor an put you out of your misery right now."

"Then do it," Castiel grunted, glaring up at Ishim with the one eye that wasn't swollen shut. "Prove you're not a coward. End me!"

"Cas, don't!" Sam pleaded, pulling himself into a sitting position.

"Stay out of it," Ishim snapped, waving a hand at Sam and sending him flying back to crash against the wall.

Ishim turned back to Castiel. "You really want to die, don't you, Castiel? The screw up, the spanner in the works." He shook his head and punched Castiel across the face for good measure. Stars burst before his eyes. "It really would be a mercy, wouldn't it? Maybe your death will be the thing to clean up your mess. After all, wasn't it your grace that was used in the spell to cast us out?" he asked and yanked Castiel's head back further, fully exposing his throat. Ishim stared down at it as Castiel swallowed painfully, his throat bobbing in barely concealed terror at what Ishim was suggesting.

"It would only make sense, right?" Ishim went on, tracing the tip of the blade over Castiel's throat, making him cringe. "It couldn't hurt to bleed you dry before I kill you. Or maybe…" he smirked, pressing the blade harder into Castiel's flesh. "Maybe I just leave you human. That way you can live like these disgusting creatures you love so much. And, hey, maybe they'll even accept you better, eh?"

"Been there, done that," Castiel growled. "It's not all it's cracked up to be."

Ishim pouted mockingly. "Well, it wouldn't hurt to try it again, would it?" He raised his blade, preparing to slice Castiel's throat.

"No!"

Castiel had no time to shout a protest as Dean hurtled toward them, slamming bodily into Ishim and forcing his blade away from Castiel's throat. They fell into a tangle of limbs, Ishim's grip on Castiel violently tugged away as Dean let out a choked-off grunt.

Sam was on his feet by then too, already going over to help Castiel up, but Castiel had already looked over at Ishim and Dean and watched the scene that had transpired with horror.

Ishim rolled to his knees, chuckling as he stared down at Dean who was curled on his side, staring down at the angel blade protruding from his stomach.

"What a foolish attempt at bravery. And all for nothing," Ishim said, shaking his head in mock pity. "Seems like the order of the day, huh?"

"Son of a bitch," Dean breathed.

"Dean!" Castiel cried.

"Oh god!" Sam echoed him, grip tightening on Castiel in horror as he too realized what had happened. "Dean!"

Ishim reached down and yanked the blade out of Dean, eliciting a keening cry from the hunter who clutched the wound in some attempt to stop the bleeding. Ishim was on his feet then, stalking over to Castiel and Sam.

"Cas," Sam whispered and it was then Castiel felt him press something into his hand. It was not the familiar rounded hilt of an angel blade, but it was likely all Sam had had on him and it would do for long enough.

Sam made sure Castiel stayed on his feet and then rushed over to fall on his knees by Dean, ripping off his flannel over shirt and using it to try and staunch the blood.

Castiel saw red. No one hurt his family, and Ishim had already taken too much from him for this to stand.

Ishim was going to die.

"See, Castiel? Humans are so fragile. Aw, don't be too sad. It would have happened eventually anyway." He shrugged, and held up his blade. "Well, ready to sacrifice your grace for the greater good? I know you're into that kind of thing, hero."

"No," Castiel said firmly deciding that today he was not going to be that kind of hero. "I'm ready to kill you." Without a word, he lunged forward and slammed the blade Sam had given him into Ishim's shoulder. The angel cried out, staggering to a stop, and dropped his blade, his hand nerveless. The blade might not have done much, but the shock was all the distraction Castiel needed.

"That was for Dean and Sam," Castiel gritted out as he bent to snatch up the fallen angel blade—his own, that Ishim had wrongly used to stab Dean—and stabbed Ishim again, this time in the thigh, mirroring his own wound. "That's for Benjamin." He yanked the blade out again and shoved it into Ishim's guts. The angel collapsed, gasping in pain. "That's for Micah and Rebekah and all the other angels who died because of you, who you _tortured_!" he shouted, rage beginning to blind him as he pulled the blade free with a vicious twist.

"And this," Castiel said firmly, holding the blade up to make sure Ishim could see it, already dripping with his own blood. "This is on behalf of Lily Sunder."

He slammed the blade into Ishim's heart and the angel cried out, head rocking back as his grace burst from his eyes. Castiel turned aside from the blast as ash from Ishim's burned out feathers rained down in the church.

Castiel sat there a moment, then pulled the angel blade from Ishim's chest, staggering to his feet with difficulty, his hands still bound.

"Cas!" Sam's desperate cry brought him back to the present as he turned to see the frantic younger Winchester crouching over Dean, desperately trying to keep the blood in his brother's body. "Help me!"

Castiel's stomach plummeted. No, he would not lose another dear friend to Ishim. He would not. _He would not…_

* * *

 _Several months after Castiel had gotten his new command under Anna as her lieutenant, Castiel got word that Rebekah had died on a mission. Distressed at the news, he went to meet with Benjamin and Isaac, the angels who had been with her, wanting to know what had happened._

 _Isaac, another of the angels Ishim had targeted like Micah, had horror in his eyes, unable to speak, but Benjamin's face only held steel as he said, "Ishim and Mirabelle are telling everyone she died in battle. But what really happened was that she threw herself at those demons with a new sigil of hers and took them all out, herself included." Castiel's heart rent in two as he saw the pain mixing with the anger in Benjamin's eyes. "He just gave her no choice," he hissed, the emotions making his voice barely above a whisper. "How could she have any desire to live after he did that to her? It's not…" He stopped, his voice sounding strangled. "She told me she wouldn't let him do it again. I just didn't realize…"_

 _Castiel reached out and clasped Benjamin's shoulder. "It's not your fault, you cannot blame yourself for her death." Benjamin couldn't, but Castiel…Castiel was to blame, sure enough. Maybe not for the act itself, but he hadn't been there to step in when Rebekah needed him most, and he would carry that with him forever._

 _"Sometimes I just want him dead," Benjamin hissed, blinking back tears._

 _Castiel swallowed hard. He didn't say anything, but he couldn't help but agree._

* * *

 _That night Anna found him on Earth where Castiel had escaped to, sitting on the cold tundra up in northern Alaska, watching the aurora borealis flicker and dance across the sky. He usually loved to fly with them, using his grace to make them all the more brilliant, but not tonight. He had no joy in his soul. Just icy cold, like the ground he sat upon._

 _Anna lowered herself next to him, their shoulders and knees touching in a companionable way. "It's not your fault, Cas," she said._

 _"I left them with him," he said wretchedly. "When I knew…Anna I should have known what would happen. It is on me."_

 _"No." She said more firmly, anger tinting her voice. "No, it's not. It's on those in supposed authority who won't take a step to see whether or not the garrisons are being run well. If we're supposed to be such good little soldiers, then they should at least make sure we're able to do our duty, and not be more worried about watching our backs around our comrades than our enemies."_

 _Castiel glanced over at her, saw her face tight in the moonlight, felt the anger and the disquiet in her grace._

 _"I agree with you," he said softly. "But what can we really do about it?"_

 _Anna was silent for a long moment, and Castiel thought she wouldn't say anything, thinking his question was rhetorical, but then, finally, she spoke._

 _"We can only do what we feel is right in our own hearts," she told him, and turned to meet his gaze. "Don't ever let them take that from you, Cas."_

 _They sat there in silence until dawn, and had Castiel paid more attention to Anna that night than he had his grief for Rebekah, he may have predicted her fall and seen exactly why she did it._

 _As it was though, the shock came to him, just as it did all the others, three weeks later when Anna chose to cut her grace out rather than be a soldier of Heaven any longer._


	7. Chapter 7

**Well, now that Ishim is dead, we can start with the healing portion. I know all of you really love that ;) There's only one chapter left after this one!**

 **Also, I'm super excited because this weekend I'm going to be at the Orlando SPN con! It's my first time going to one, so I'm extra excited ^_^**

Chapter Seven

Castiel staggered over to fall heavily to his knees next to Sam and Dean. Sam had Dean's upper body half propped against his knees as he clasped his wadded shirt to Dean's stomach, trying the staunch the flow of blood from the stab wound.

"Sam, find something to get these cuffs off," Castiel said quickly, motioning to his wrists. "I—I can't heal him with these binding my grace." If he would be able to heal Dean anyway. Ishim had injured him badly, and he had already been weakened from healing the bastard earlier, not to mention Lily's angelic bomb.

Sam nodded, and gently laid Dean flat on the floor as Castiel swiftly took his place, hands pressing firmly to keep the life from leaving Dean. He was sickened to find the shirt was already soaked in blood. He pressed harder and Dean groaned, eyes fluttering.

Castiel shook his head, glaring down at the hunter, anger overcoming some of the fear and panic. "Why would you do that?" he demanded sharply. "That was an idiotic move, Dean!"

Dean chuckled wetly, the sound turning into a wincing choke and Castiel felt terror wash over him as flecks of blood spattered Dean's lips. "Yeah well, guess we're both guilty of doing stupid things."

Castiel realized what he'd said then, the backhanded apology, and weary affection mixed with the anxiety. "Dean…"

"Cas," Dean said, his voice barely a whisper as he reached out with a bloody hand and laid it over one of Castiel's where he was pressing firmly against Dean's abdomen. "I'm sorry…"

Castiel shook his head. "No. You're not allowed to apologize yet. Not until we're back in the bunker…with—with alcohol and artery clogging food." He felt the weariness in his body, wishing for that more than anything. "Or maybe just coffee. But without a disgusting amount of sugar. I do not like sugar in my coffee."

Dean chuckled again, then squeezed his eyes shut with a wince, his laugh turning into a whimper. Castiel watched as Dean concentrated on just breathing through a wave of pain.

"Dean, hang on," Castiel pleaded, voice softening again.

"Got it!" Sam called, hurrying back with a set of keys. He fell next to Castiel and undid the manacles as quickly as he could with shaking hands, then turned to Dean as Castiel yanked the manacles from his wrists, rubbing them where the skin had broken.

"Dean, hey, stay with us, okay?" Sam pleaded with his brother, one hand on his wound, the other gripping the side of his neck. "Dean?"

Castiel looked back over at the elder Winchester and realized he was shaking uncontrollably. Shock was already setting in and they didn't have much time. He could just barely feel his grace waking again, only a low hum in his body, but it would have to do. He carefully pushed Sam's hand with the wadded shirt aside and tugged Dean's shirt up to see the wound. He swallowed sickly at the sight. It was deep and still bleeding. He quickly set his hand over it so he didn't have to see it anymore, and closed his eyes, calling his sluggish grace to do just this one thing.

He could feel Sam' eyes on him as the seconds dragged by and nothing happened. "Cas? Are you okay? Can you do it? If not we can get him to a hospital…"

"No," Castiel snapped. Out here, it would take them too long to get back into town. Dean didn't have that kind of time. His only chance was Castiel.

Finally he felt his grace responding and he grabbed hold of it and forced everything he had into Dean. His palm glowed, and Dean jolted, eyes flying open as he groaned in discomfort. Sam gripped him tighter, holding him down. Castiel bit his lip. He hated it when his healing hurt Sam and Dean, but he couldn't control that right now. It was all he could do to close the wound.

His vision was blackening around the edges and then more and more, until he finally realized his grace was no longer healing Dean and he was toppling forward.

"Whoa, hey, Cas, easy, easy—you good?" Sam was saying as he caught Castiel before he could fall on top of Dean.

Castiel blinked spots from his eyes sluggishly as he tried to sit up straighter, but even that made the edges of his vision darken again. "I—I'm sorry, I'm can't do anymore right now. I have to wait to gain my strength before I can heal him fully."

"It's okay, Cas," Sam told him quietly, hand settling on his back in a companionable way. "You stopped the bleeding. Now we just need to get him back home to rest."

Castiel huffed as he finally opened his eyes again and looked down at Dean. The hunter was still now, but in an unconscious way, not a dangerous one. He still shivered slightly, but his wound was mostly closed. Castiel knew he hadn't been able to heal all the damage inside, but he had made sure to exert what little energy he had to repairing the internal bleeding. Dean wasn't healed by any means, even his face was still bruised and bloody, but he wasn't dying.

"Going back to the bunker sounds nice," Castiel admitted quietly.

Sam smiled. "Yeah, it does. Look, um, if I get you on your feet can you help me get Dean into the car?"

Castiel wasn't entirely sure he could, but they were all pretty beat up, and he didn't want Sam to have to drag Dean out to the Impala and risk exacerbating his injuries. "Yeah."

It wasn't pretty, but they finally managed to struggle to the car, the three of them supporting each other, Dean slung between them, only moaning when they jostled him particularly badly. He still had broken ribs, after all. Castiel was mainly just trying to keep his injured leg from collapsing so he didn't make them all tumble to the ground.

But they finally got Dean situated in the backseat of the Impala and Castiel slid in next to him so he could keep an eye on him. He and Sam eased Dean down so that his head was resting on Cas' good leg and then they covered him in a blanket to stave off the shock that was still very dangerous from the blood loss.

After situating his brother, Sam hurried around to the front of the car and slid into the driver's seat. Castiel slumped back against the seat wearily. This whole mission had been one terrible thing after another. Not only had he failed to save Benjamin, but had he really gotten any justice for him? Of course Lily Sunder was dead, but Castiel just felt sick about that. Lily was not the one responsible, Ishim was. And sure, Castiel was glad that bastard was dead and that he'd had the pleasure of killing him himself, but at what cost? It wouldn't bring any of Castiel's comrades back, the ones who had suffered abuse and worse at the hands of the petty, sadistic angel. And Dean had almost died too while Castiel was unable even to heal him completely. He just felt like a complete failure.

And the whole thing with Lily…she had spent all her life looking for revenge, only to be killed by the man she had wanted to destroy, and too many innocents had suffered for Ishim's mistakes, his needless, selfish cruelty. She had just been another of his victims in the end.

He looked out the window as his mind wandered back again, more painful memories of other needless losses coming home to roost.

* * *

 _Castiel sat in his favorite Heaven, the one of the autistic man who'd died in a bathtub. It was always so peaceful there. Green, quiet, and the man never noticed Castiel, probably wouldn't have paid him mind even if he'd been able to see him there. He was simply content to fly his kite for all eternity._

 _Castiel was currently slumped on a bench in the fabricated park, his shoulders weighing heavily as he stared down at the angel blade in his hands. Anna's. She'd left it where she….Castiel still couldn't believe it._

 _Oh, he'd seen the frustrations Anna had gone through recently. The questions she'd had—especially after what had happened to Rebekah. And while he didn't attend council meetings like she did, he saw the increasing anger that always exuded off of her when she left them. Though she would never speak to them about what was happening, Castiel knew something was either very wrong in Heaven, or very wrong in Anna._

 _The other angels thought she had rebelled, but Castiel still couldn't believe that to truly be the case. Anna was a loyal soldier, a brilliant leader. She always made sure her garrison had what they needed; she led by example, and was always the first and last one on the field of battle. Castiel had thrived under her leadership, becoming somewhat famous among the angels for his prowess in battle alongside Anna and Balthazar and the rest of them._

 _But most of all, she had been his dear friend, and he was saddened that she had…gone…without telling him why. No note, no reason. It bitterly reminded him of Gabriel. So maybe she'd had her doubts, and maybe she wanted to rebel, but in traditional fashion, Anna wasn't about to lead her friends into a place that might put them in danger, so maybe that was why she had stayed silent. Still, Castiel couldn't fathom why she would do that. And it broke his heart to think she had betrayed them, fallen like Lucifer, as the others were saying, but what else_ could _he think? Hadn't she done just that? Cut her grace out and involuntarily fell? How could anyone do that unless they truly didn't believe in Heaven anymore?_

 _"I can't believe she's gone either."_

 _Castiel looked up to see Balthazar standing there, hands in his pockets, looking just as lost as Castiel felt. The three of them had been the closest. They'd grown up together as fledglings and had been happy to be reunited once Castiel joined Anna's garrison._

 _Balthazar didn't wait for an invitation and simply sat beside Castiel, shoulders touching in a silent comfort. Castiel turned Anna's blade over one more time before he tucked it into his own jacket._

 _"I don't know what to think," Castiel said finally, even now hesitant to voice his true thoughts. "I don't want to think she would choose to fall, but…Everyone says she's no better than Lucifer…"_

 _"And you bloody well know that isn't right," Balthazar said bitterly. "Cas, whatever Anna's reasons, you and I both know, even if we are the only ones who do, that she fell for a reason. Perhaps it is in fact the warning she couldn't give us."_

 _Castiel looked over to Balthazar and saw the weariness in his friend's eyes, knowing it was reflected in his own. "Something is happening, Cas," he said quietly. "Something is stirring up here, and I'm not sure I like the looks of it. And those angels who get court martialed, the ones who disappear for a few days and then come back with those blank stares on their faces? I don't like that at all, Cas, what are they doing to them?"_

 _Castiel had wondered the same thing, and a sick feeling, like something nagging in the back of his brain came to him, but it was too small to grasp so he dismissed it as just general worry. "I don't know, Balthazar, but I think we need to be careful."_

 _"Damn being careful, Cas!" Balthazar said indignantly._

 _"Balthazar," Castiel repeated firmly. "Please. At least for a while, let's try to lie low. The garrison might come into question because Anna was our leader. We cannot show any suspicions we might have. And I…I can't lose you too, so please don't give them a reason to lock you up, or worse."_

 _Balthazar looked like he wanted to protest, but he finally nodded firmly. "Well, you are the commander now. I suppose I have to follow your orders whether I like it or not."_

 _Castiel looked down at his hands self-consciously. He hadn't been expecting the promotion even though he had been second in command. He still didn't truly believe it; everything else that had happened made the promotion seem hollow._

 _"We should be celebrating, dammit," Balthazar said, bitterly. "This wasn't how you were supposed to get a promotion."_

 _"I wish that it wasn't," Castiel said sincerely._

 _Balthazar glanced over at him. "I have an old Madeira stashed in my bunk, 1587—fantastic. One I plucked from a Spanish galleon that was about to go down. We could drink it in Anna's memory. It may not do much to get us drunk but it's the thought that counts."_

 _Castiel had to allow his lips to quirk slightly at in incorrigible friend. "Maybe later."_

 _Balthazar was silent for a moment, then he stood and clapped a hand on Castiel's shoulder. "I'll leave you alone now. Just don't let yourself brood for too long. I don't want to have to drink that Madeira by myself."_

 _Castiel watched him leave and then sighed, sitting there for only a few more seconds before he decided to follow his friend. Perhaps he could use some company after all. Anything to distract his thoughts from the dark, forbidden places they were going more and more frequently as he thought harder and harder about why Anna really chose to fall._

 _As he was walking through the barracks, he felt eyes on him and turned to see Ishim just standing in the doorway of his garrison's barracks, watching as Castiel walked past. Castiel stopped and stared at Ishim, remembering the look the other angel had given him when he had been publicly promoted earlier._

 _"Do you need something?" he asked shortly, definitely not in the mood to deal with Ishim that night._

 _"No, just seeing how well your new promotion fits you," the other angel said, eyes sweeping up and down Castiel as if the promotion were a new suit, making him feel uncomfortable. "We'll see how long it lasts."_

 _Castiel narrowed his eyes slightly, but then moved on, too tired to deal with Ishim that night. Besides, he and the other angel were on equal standing now, Ishim had even less hold over him than he had when Castiel was in Anna's garrison._

 _Of course, Castiel realized as he entered his own barracks, that might very well be Ishim's problem with it._

* * *

"Cas."

Castiel jolted awake, wincing as the movement jarred his body. He opened his eyes and blinked out at the familiar surroundings of the bunker's garage.

"Oh," he said. "I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep."

Sam smiled kindly from the open back door. "Well, you looked like you needed it. You feeling any better?"

Castiel searched within. His wounds were still sluggishly healing but they were a little better than before. Not nearly as healed as they should be though; he wondered just how much that bomb Lily had used knocked out of him.

He glanced down at Dean again, and saw the Winchester in much the same position as he had left him.

"I think I can at least help you get him to his bed," Castiel said.

He and Sam then performed another awkward shuffle with Dean limp between them as they traversed the stairs into the bunker and then finally got to Dean's room where Sam hurriedly turned down the blankets and they laid Dean out as gently as possible.

Castiel slumped onto the side of the bed, already embarrassingly exhausted, and set his fingers against Dean's forehead, pushing a little bit more healing into him, coaxing his blood to regenerate and the shock to stay away. It seemed he'd still have to wait to fully fix Dean's injuries, though, as even that made him nearly black out.

"Hey, enough," Sam said firmly as he grabbed Castiel's shoulder, keeping him from falling off the side of the bed. "Save it until you're better. He's not in danger anymore."

Castiel sighed as he bent over his knees, putting his face in his hands. "It's my fault."

Sam huffed. "No, it's not. Dean chose to jump in front of you."

"Which was a stupid move, Ishim wasn't even going to kill me just yet."

"No, he was going to cut out your grace and leave you human," Sam said, anger clear in his voice. "And then probably kill you."

Castiel bit his lip, memories of Metatron's blade against his throat making him shudder slightly. "Still…"

Sam shook his head as he went to start working Dean's bloodstained clothes off. "It was Dean's choice." He glanced at him sideways as he loosened Dean's boots. "Kind of like how killing Billie was _your_ choice."

Castiel sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. "Yes, I suppose."

"My point is," Sam said. "We are all always sacrificing ourselves for each other or for the greater good or whatever. It's nothing new, but it always has consequences."

"I know that. Probably better than anyone. I knew that when I killed Billie."

"I know," Sam said reasonably. "And Dean knew that he might not come out unscathed when he jumped between you and Ishim. That's just what we do for each other."

"I just feel like Dean doesn't trust me anymore," Castiel said wearily.

Sam offered him a sympathetic and understanding look. "I know. And trust me, it took me a long time to figure that one out too. But it's not that Dean doesn't trust you, he's just scared of what making decisions like that could lead to. Dean has only ever really been scared of one thing: losing the people he cares about." Sam looked down at his brother, affection and pain warring in his eyes. "And we've lost a lot of people we cared about."

Castiel didn't say anything, just looked at Dean's unconscious features, a little more relaxed now, aside from his shallow breathing due to his injured ribs. "I think that's the only thing I'm truly afraid of as well."

Sam nodded, and came around the bed again to start pulling off Dean's bloody shirt. "Me too." He glanced over at Castiel. "Can you help lift him up for a second?"

Between them, they cleaned Dean's injuries and bandaged the ones that were still bleeding, before tucking him under several blankets.

After they had finished, Castiel looked up at Sam and realized just how bad the younger brother himself looked. His face was a mess of blood and bruises and his shirt was torn, revealing a long slice across his chest.

"Sam…can I help you with your injuries? Even if I can't heal them?" he nearly pleaded, hating to see his friends—his brothers—injured.

Sam offered him a grateful smile. "Alright, tell you what. I'm gonna go put on a pot of coffee and then we can both clean up a little. I'll grab you some clothes too, to wear until you can fix yours or whatever. You've got some pretty deep wounds too, and the least we can do is clean them and put some gauze on them while you're waiting for them to heal."

"That's really not necessary," Castiel tried to protest, but Sam insisted and a little while later, after cleaning the blood from themselves, they were both patching each other up. Castiel admittedly felt a little better after getting the blood washed from his body and face, and putting on a borrowed pair of Dean's sweat pants and a shirt. His one eye was still pretty swollen, but it wasn't as bad as it had been, and when he went back into Dean's room to begin the vigil, he felt more relaxed.

He sat by the bed and simply watched Dean breathe for a little bit. Castiel still felt a twinge of regret he couldn't just heal his friend, but at least he'd saved Dean's life. It could have been so much worse.

Sam came in to sit in the chair next to him, with two steaming cups of coffee.

"You sure you don't want sugar?" Sam asked with a smirk as he handed Cas a cup.

Castiel groaned. "No, thank you." He inhaled the steam and then took a deep drink, the warmth of the beverage making him feel better already.

"Hey, Cas?" Sam asked after a while. "I just have one question. If Lily's daughter was human, then wouldn't you have known she was in Heaven?"

Castiel frowned. "I…never really through of that before. I mean, it's always possible for souls to slip through the cracks…we're supposed to know every soul who comes to Heaven, but at that time…" he shook his head. "Of course, it's also possible that Ishim was able to hide her. He was extremely devious."

Sam frowned. "You don't think he had her put in Hell, do you?" he asked cautiously.

Castiel shook his head firmly. "No, at worst he paid off her Reaper to hide her in a remote corner of Heaven where no one would ever think to look. But…" A thought occurred to him, something to think about later when he was recovered.

"What?" Sam asked.

Castiel shook his head. "I just had a thought. I'll tell you later."

They sat there as they finished their coffee, and then Castiel finally looked over at Sam. "You know, we don't both need to be here at the same time. One of us should get some rest," he offered.

Sam bit his lip, considering, and then eventually stood up. "You're right, but you sure you don't need to sleep? Get your strength back?"

Castiel smiled, grateful, but shook his head. "No, I'll be okay just resting here. Even if I nod off, I'll know if Dean wakes up."

"Okay," Sam said and bent to check on Dean one last time, adjusting his blankets, before he straightened again. "I'll come back in a couple hours okay? Then you can get some rest."

"Okay," Castiel said and Sam left the room. Castiel heard him shuffling around in his own room before the bunker was silent. But it didn't feel lonely, not tonight. Castiel was simply glad to have the people he cared about most safe and sound. Even though he knew he and Dean had a few things to talk about when the hunter was recovered, he wasn't dreading it as much as he thought he would. Maybe it was just because he was tired, or maybe it was just because he thought Dean understood better now why he did what he did. Or at least that the stubborn human would be more willing to listen to his reasoning. And Castiel knew that Sam was right. It wasn't that Dean didn't trust him, he was just worried, and perhaps rightly so, in a way. Obviously, it wasn't the first time Castiel had done something with good intentions only to have it go extremely bad in the end.

And he would lie if he said he wasn't scared of what these "cosmic consequences" could be. He didn't want to die, he didn't want to bring more pain to his friends, but he did know that he would deal with it, whatever it was. Because that was what they did.

He sighed heavily and slumped in the chair, resting his chin on his fist. But facing cosmic consequences would come later. Right now, perhaps he would just rest, and try to process everything that had happened that day, and deal with the old painful memories that had come back to haunt him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Okay guys, here's the last chapter! Thanks for all the support with this one! I'm so glad you liked it :)**

 **Next up I've got a one-shot for you and then a S13 fic coming soon.**

Chapter Eight

 _Castiel still could not believe that he had been tasked with the important mission of rescuing the Righteous Man from Hell. He was both elated at the honor, and terrified because this may not have been the first time he had gone face to face with the legions of Hell, but it was the first time he was actually traversing to the realm of the Underworld. But his garrison, known for their prowess in battle, had been specifically chosen to lay siege to Hell and rescue the Righteous Man: Dean Winchester._

 _He had spent the better part of the day going over plans and tactics with his flight, making sure they were all on the same page about their duties and what they would be doing. The mission would be dangerous, it was even likely that the majority of them would not come back, but they all knew the importance of this mission. Save the Righteous Man before he broke the First Seal._

 _When Castiel left his garrison to prepare, he went to find someplace quiet to pray to his Father for guidance and strength to complete this mission._

 _But as he was walking down the corridor, he heard a mocking voice coming from nearby._

 _"Well, if it isn't the hero of the hour: Castiel."_

 _Castiel turned with a frown and saw Ishim, leaning against a pillar, trying to look nonchalant, but Castiel could see the anger practically boiling beneath his skin._

 _"What do you want, Ishim?" Castiel asked. He hadn't had to deal with the angel for a while, but that didn't mean he hated him any less. "If you want to come with me, I'm sure I can find a spot for you in the vanguard. Or perhaps as a distraction to any demons or hellhounds that show up."_

 _Ishim gave him a thin, humorless smile as he shoved off the pillar and strode closer. "What I want is the recognition I deserve. Why should you get this mission when there are others more experienced, more qualified, to lead the siege on Hell?"_

 _Castiel frowned, almost snorted at the ridiculousness of what Ishim was obviously suggesting. "You mean yourself, Ishim? You know well enough that after the debacle at the Wyoming Devil's Gate you have none such standing as a leader."_

 _The angel snarled, stepping forward. "How dare you speak to me like that? I ought to—"_

 _"Ought to what, Ishim?" Castiel demanded, holding his ground and staring the other angel down with flashing eyes. "Beat me into submission like you did Micah? Constantly shower me with abuse like you do Benjamin? Or maybe…" He had started to crowd into Ishim, using one of the other angel's own tactics and now Ishim's back had hit a pillar, effectively trapping him. "Maybe you can try to defile me like you did Rebekah," he spat finally, anger and disgust at the old memories that were not yet old enough for Castiel making his blood boil. "Do not pretend that I don't know why she thought that killing herself was better than the thought of having you look at her, put your disgusting hands on her, again. One of these days, Ishim, I will make you pay for that. For all of them. Just because I'm the commander of my own garrison now does not mean I have forgotten any of your sins. And you know me. I like to see justice done."_

 _Ishim's face paled slightly under Castiel's anger, but he puffed himself up with the usual arrogance and drew himself up under Castiel's hatred._

 _"Well, you certainly are puffed up with your new position, aren't you? But why don't we see if you even make it back first. You wouldn't want to go about making threats you can't even keep, do you now, Castiel?"_

 _"If you think I'm intimidated by you, I'm not and I never was," Castiel told him._

 _"That's why I always hated you the most," Ishim hissed and shoved Castiel hard in the chest, slipping away from him. Castiel clenched his hand into a fist as he fought to breathe through his anger. He didn't know what had gotten into him. Nerves for the mission, he supposed._

 _But he hadn't lied either. He still planned to make Ishim pay for what he'd done one of these days._

 _Of course, after he rescued Dean, failing to get to him in time to stop him breaking the Seal, they were at war, and he was occupied with leading his garrison against the demons to stop the rest of the Seals from breaking. Everyone was busy trying to stave off the coming apocalypse, and he only ever saw Ishim in passing, no time to make good on his threats, no time to truly think about it._

 _And then of course he was cast from Heaven himself and everything after that became one long, mostly painful, memory._

* * *

The sound of a sharp intake of breath, followed by a groan of pain startled Castiel awake. He jolted in his chair, wincing slightly, then his eyes blew wide as he saw Dean trying to swing his legs over the side of the bed.

"Dean!" he cried, surging to his feet and nearly staggering himself as his wounded thigh seized up, but he got there just in time to stop Dean from pitching over onto his face.

"I got it, I got it," the hunter mumbled, but clutched Castiel's shoulders all the same.

"You should not be out of bed," Castiel admonished.

"Gotta pee," Dean grumbled. "Unless you got a bed pan, which is _not_ happening, by the way, I'm heading to the bathroom."

Castiel let out a longsuffering sigh, but gripped Dean's elbow and helped him across the hall toward the bathroom.

"Whoa," Dean grunted as Castiel tried to help him inside. "I got it from here," he said and shut the door.

Castiel stood awkwardly in the hallway, wondering if maybe Dean _was_ still angry with him. But then, he _had_ just woken up and Dean was usually grumpy when he woke up on a normal day, let alone when he had been unconscious from injuries. Maybe he should make him some coffee.

Sam's door opened then and he appeared with spectacular bed-head, peering bleary-eyed out the door. "Oh crap, I slept for hours, sorry Cas."

Castiel smiled at him. "I didn't want to wake you. Dean's up."

Sam's eyes showed relief. "Where…?"

He got his answer as the bathroom door opened and Dean limped out, looking nonplussed. "There're other bathrooms, you know!" he growled. "What's a guy gotta do to get some privacy in this place!" He had to grab the wall for support, clapping a hand to his injured ribs and both Sam and Castiel surged forward to help steady him.

"Try being able to stand on your own feet," Sam snarked.

"Bitch," Dean muttered as they maneuvered him back into his room.

"Jerk," Sam replied fondly.

Castiel smiled at hearing their familiar banter. That at least was back to normal.

Dean grunted as he collapsed back onto the bed. Castiel felt a little better that morning himself, his wounds mostly healed, if not still a little sore. He sat on the side of the bed, and reached out a hand.

"Dean, allow me to finish your healing."

But Dean reached up and grabbed his wrist. "No way, Cas," he said and Castiel felt his stomach plummet. Perhaps Dean didn't trust him after all.

"Oh, I just thought…" he tried, not sure what to say.

Sam obviously saw Castiel's distress and cleared his throat, shooting a pointed look at Dean who finally glanced at Castiel's face.

"No, Cas," Dean sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Look, it's not because I don't want you too, I know you healed me before, back at the church." His hand went unconsciously to his stomach. "It's just, you still look like crap, dude. You haven't even healed yourself—you've got one hell of a shiner there. Rest up first. I'm not dying."

Castiel felt a pang at the words. "You were," he replied simply.

Dean glanced to one side. "Yeah, I know. And…thanks for doing what you did for me."

"You were the one who saved my life, or kept Ishim from turning me human." Castiel said. "I don't like to see you hurt, especially on my behalf."

"But you're hurt too," Dean said pointedly. "You heal me now, it's just gonna take you longer to heal. Why don't we just be invalids together instead? It's more fair."

Castiel shook his head. "You are infernally stubborn, you know that?"

"Right back at you," Dean shot back.

Sam chuckled and ran a hand through his hair to straighten it a little. "I'm gonna make some coffee."

Dean sank back against the pillows. "That sounds fantastic."

Once Sam left, Dean turned to Castiel. "You're pissed," he stated.

"I had to put you back together when my grace was at its weakest; I almost wasn't able to do the little I did," Castiel stated. "You were bleeding out and there was no time to get you to a hospital; if my injuries had been worse—if Lily's spell had taken more out of me…" He shook his head, looking away. "So yes. I'm…pissed."

"So you get it," Dean said. "You get how hard it is to watch the people you care about do stupid things to save you."

Castiel sighed and turned back around to meet Dean's eyes. "Yes, Dean. I get it. I have always gotten it. And you do too. Because you're an idiot who does stupid things, I'm an idiot who does stupid things and so is Sam. And we all have the right to be angry at the other when we do stupid things too. This is not some kind of twisted lesson, if that's what you're going for."

Dean smirked and chuckled slightly, before he winced.

"It's not funny, Dean," Castiel protested.

"I know it's not really," Dean said. "But what can we do? It's who we are. Nothing's gonna change that."

"Exactly," Sam said, coming back in with the coffee on a tray, and catching the tail end of the conversation. He handed one cup to Dean and another to Castiel and then sat down in the chair still positioned by the bed. "Cas, you know we don't think less of you for what you did."

Castiel sighed and glanced cautiously over at Dean. "Well, I couldn't help but feel that you don't always trust me completely," he said, unable to help the bitterness in his voice.

Dean sighed and took a long sip of his coffee before he said. "You know that's not the whole truth, man. Look, all those things Ishim said, I know they've got to be eating at you. But you're not weak, Cas, you know that. I guess I should say the same thing about the crap I've been saying to you lately too." He glanced over at the angel and Castiel saw true remorse in his eyes. "I guess I didn't realize how that probably sounded to you."

"You can have a way with words," Castiel replied blandly.

Dean narrowed his eyes, but gave an accepting shrug. Sam smiled slightly as he turned to Castiel.

"Cas, about what Ishim said; obviously you've changed, but it's all been for the better, man."

Castiel felt a little warmed by that. After all, he truly felt he was a better person for knowing the Winchesters. Even if that made him a bad angel.

"And you've been with us on every step of this long, crazy thrill ride," Dean added. "Even when you could have bailed. And seriously, you probably should have."

Castiel snorted. "I suppose that makes me the crazy one," he said.

"Maybe," Sam said, "But no matter how crazy it got, you never backed down. And that takes real strength."

"Thank you," Castiel said, still not sure he truly believed them, but, well, if they believed it for him, than maybe he could start doing the same.

"Cas," Dean said, taking a deep breath and Castiel turned to him, knowing what was coming. The real point of this conversation. "I don't like how the whole Billie thing went down, okay?" Dean stated. "I know you thought you were doing the right thing. And I'm not… _mad._ " He paused, biting his lip as he looked for the right words. "I'm worried, man. Because things like _cosmic consequences_ have a habit of biting us in the ass."

"I know they do," Castiel said. "But I don't regret what I did, even if it costs me my life," he added, glancing between the two Winchesters who sat on either side of him. No, he would never regret saving them. No matter the consequences.

Sam glanced down with a small sigh. "Don't say that, man," he said quietly.

Dean however, just gave a small nod, and Castiel felt for the first time since the whole Billie debacle, that he fully understood Castiel's motives. Or maybe he always had, and had just been angry that Castiel had taken that risk in the first place. Castiel glanced at Dean's abdomen, which was now covered by his shirt and padded with gauze, but had been where Castiel frantically held Dean's life in less than twenty-four hours before. Yes, he understood where Dean was coming from.

"So," Dean said then. "What are you going to do when you find Kelly and Lucifer junior? It is a nephillim, right? You still think nephillim should die?"

Castiel felt a stab in his heart at that. "Dean, Lily's daughter was not a nephillim. Her death…it was a tragedy that should never have happened. But this…" he paused, shaking his head. "It's more than just nephillim. A normal nephillim is one of the most dangerous beings in all of creation, but one that's fathered by an archangel, the devil himself, I…I can't imagine the power."

"But Cas," Sam spoke up then. "At the end of the day it's a mom and her kid." He paused and glanced toward the wall. "Just like Lily. I mean, do you think that you'll be able to…"

Castiel shook his head wryly. "There was a time that I wouldn't have hesitated. But now…I don't know."

Dean and Sam shared a look but Castiel thought they were all thinking the same thing. They were all hoping there would be some way to save Kelly's child, but of course, that may not be practical when it came down to it. Castiel did know one thing though, and that was that if it did come down to them having to…having to kill the child, then he would be the one to do it. He could never allow the Winchesters to have that on their heads. Nephillim or not, they would only see a child. It would destroy them.

Castiel, however was already living with so many horrific deeds under his belt, one more couldn't stain him any further.

But…there was also something that could help give him ease of mind. Something he had been thinking about after Sam's comment about May being in Heaven.

"So, what do we do now?" Dean asked.

"First we rest," Castiel said firmly, glancing back over to him. "Your wounds are still not completely healed, nor are mine. But after I get my strength back, and am able to heal you, there is something I need to do." And then he explained his plan to the Winchesters.

* * *

 _Castiel sat in the backseat of the Impala_ , looking out the window at the playground, taking a moment to compose himself for what he was about to do.

He heard the creak of the leather seats as Sam and Dean both turned around to look at him, concern on their faces.

"Cas? You okay?" Sam asked him.

Castiel took a deep breath and turned toward them. "Yes." He reached for the handle and opened the door, stepping outside.

The Winchesters followed him over toward the sandbox with the sigils in it, the last portal that lead to Heaven.

"Cas, you sure you feel up to this?" Dean asked quietly. "I mean, I know how hard this is for you…"

Castiel turned around to look at him. "Whether I'm up for it or not, it's something I need to do," he told them. "What Ishim did to Lily, to the others…well, I can't help my comrades, but I can do this for her at least." He met Dean's eyes seriously. "I need to do this, Dean."

Dean nodded. "Then we're not gonna stop you."

"But we'll wait here for you," Sam added with a small smile.

"Thank you," Castiel said gratefully.

The portal began to glow and he turned back around as the shimmering mist cleared, revealing a kind–looking, elderly black man standing in the middle of the sandbox, a small smile on his face.

"Castiel, it's good to see you again," he said.

Castiel couldn't help but return the smile, feeling a little better as he heard the genuine warmth in the angel's voice. "Joshua. It's good to see you again too."

"Are you ready?" Joshua asked, holding out a hand.

Castiel nodded. "Yes." He turned to the Winchesters. "I'll be back soon."

Dean's cheek twitched, and Castiel knew they weren't exactly happy about this, but they were letting him go, understanding why he had to do this, and Castiel felt that was a big step for them.

He stepped into the sandbox with Joshua and with a slight blur, he found himself in Heaven.

But not in the white sterile halls that he was used to. They had appeared, instead, in Joshua's garden. Castiel breathed a sigh of wonder, looking around at the lush greenery, the flowers that burst with color that no earthly garden could have achieved. Butterflies fluttered around the flowers, and the bees sang their songs, sweet to Castiel's ears. He could have stayed to watch them for hours as he had done in the past on occasion when he'd had the time and was not off fighting wars.

"It's just as I remember," he said with pleasure.

Joshua smiled, his eyes crinkling up at the edges. "It is one of the few things that has not changed here," he said sincerely. "But come, she is waiting for you."

Castiel followed the other angel as Joshua led him down a winding pathway until they got to an open area, where there was a huge oak tree, ancient but yet still young for a denizen of Heaven. And under it, sat a red-headed woman in a long white dress, hands clasped in her lap, gazing out at the beautiful surroundings.

Castiel stopped, suddenly wary, not sure what to say to her, but she had already turned and caught sight of him. She stood and Castiel forced himself forward.

"Lily," he said, and then was unsure of how to proceed. He looked her up and down, seeing that here she had no eye patch, nor any of the weight he had seen on her shoulders before.

"Hello, Castiel," she replied, seeming just as wary.

Castiel sighed finally and slumped, shaking his head. "Lily, I am…I am so sorry."

"Don't be," she told him and to his surprise, she reached out and touched his arm gently. "For the first time in years I actually feel at peace." Castiel exhaled slightly, and she continued, "Joshua told me what happened. He said you killed Ishim. As long as he's dead, it doesn't matter who did it. All I wanted was to make sure he never hurt anyone else." She looked down then, her hand slipping from Castiel's arm. "He also told me everything else. And I feel like I should be the one apologizing to you." She looked into his eyes. "I truly am sorry for Benjamin, Castiel. Can you ever forgive me?"

Castiel smiled kindly and reached down to take both of her hands in his. "If I've learned anything, it's that forgiveness, while difficult, can make both people wronged feel better. And while I mourn Benjamin, it was not your fault for not knowing the truth. Ishim lied to all of us. He is the only one to blame in this. But he will never hurt another soul."

Lily let out a shuddering breath and Castiel squeezed her hands again. "Now," he said. "Joshua has allowed me a favor. I want to escort you to your Heaven, Lily. Are you ready?"

She looked up at him with a smile. "Yes," she said.

Castiel kept hold of one of her hands as he turned to Joshua. The gardener smiled and gave a wave of his hand. The three of them were suddenly standing in front of a door to a familiar house. Almost too familiar to Castiel, and perhaps to Lily as well, but he also knew that here, it could truly become her home again, not a place of blood and horror.

Still, he felt her hand tighten around him, and he took a deep breath, tugging her forward up the steps. "Come on," he said.

She allowed him to lead her up and Castiel opened the door, nudging her inside.

She gasped as she came across the scene before her. A little girl in a pink dress, sitting on the floor and playing with a doll, a man, her father, sat in a chair nearby, smiling down at her.

They both looked up as they heard Lily gasp and May leapt to her feet instantly, a grin on her face.

"Mommy!" she cried and threw her arms around Lily's waist.

"May!" Lily cried, tears of joy streaming down her face as she fell to her knees and took her daughter into her arms, holding her as if she would never let go.

Her husband knelt next to her and wrapped them both up tightly. "Lily, my love," he whispered. "Welcome home."

Castiel watched the reunion with moisture pricking his eyes, but a warm feeling in his heart. He was about to leave the family to themselves when Lily turned around and caught his hand.

"Thank you, Castiel," she whispered.

He squeezed her hand with a smile, words not needed, then turned around and walked out the door.

He found himself back in the garden, Joshua standing there where he had been before.

"You did a good thing, Castiel," he said. "As usual."

Castiel shook his head, a pang in his chest. "I'm not sure about that. Besides you were the one who found her daughter and husband."

Joshua gave him a look that had many layers to it. "Yes. But she would not have found peace without you."

"I got her killed," Castiel said.

"And yet, she is at peace here. Do you think she ever would have found that back on earth?" Joshua asked. "Even if she had killed Ishim herself, the rest of her long life would have been filled with loneliness, without even the need for revenge to give her purpose. It is better this way."

"I suppose you're right," Castiel admitted.

Joshua gave him another long, soul-searching look. "You know, Castiel, we could use an angel like you up here right about now. Heaven is a mess, and you are a good leader. You could really do some good up here."

Castiel bit his lip, but knew the answer he would give before he even had to think about it. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't belong up here," he said.

"I think you don't give yourself enough credit," Joshua told him. "Not all the angels see you as a pariah. Many of them would follow you."

But Castiel simply shook his head. "I'm sorry, but my family is on earth now. My place…it's with the Winchesters."

Joshua smiled at that as if that had been the answer he'd been suspecting the whole time. "And perhaps that is truly where you belong after all. I suppose you should go back to them now. They're likely getting anxious."

Castiel smiled. "Yes, undoubtedly."

Joshua nodded to him. "It really was good seeing you again, Castiel. I wish I could tell you things will get easier, but I fear they will only get worse before they get better."

"Whatever comes, we'll deal with it," Castiel said firmly. "We always do."

"Yes, you do," Joshua said, and then waved his hand again. A shimmery spot opened in front of Castiel and he approached it. "Good fortune go with you, Castiel."

"Thank you, Joshua," Castiel replied and stepped into the portal.

He reappeared in the sandbox and the first thing he saw was Sam and Dean standing there. Dean was pacing and Sam was trying not to look as anxious as he obviously was, but relief broke over both their faces as he stepped out of the sandbox.

"Well?" Dean asked.

Castiel nodded. "Lily has been reunited with her family."

"How is she?" Sam asked, a concerned frown between his brows.

Castiel smiled. "She is at peace, finally."

Sam smiled back. "That's good."

"And how are you?" Dean asked pointedly.

Castiel sighed, waiting a moment to answer because he didn't truly know. "I am…getting there. Obviously, this whole thing, it…it brought back some memories I hadn't wanted to revisit, but…I think it also brought some closure too. Which is a good thing."

"Yeah, Cas," Sam nodded in agreement. "And you know that if you ever need to talk, we're here to listen."

"I know," Castiel said sincerely. "And I appreciate it. Truly."

"Well," Dean said. "What do you say we head back to the bunker? We'll crack open some beers and all take a look at the info you collected on Kelly Kline. See if we can make any sense of it together."

Castiel nodded. "Sounds good."

They made their way back to the Impala, but before Castiel could open the back door, he felt Dean's hand on his shoulder.

"Hey," the hunter said, spinning him around. Before Cas knew what was happening, Dean was enveloping him in a firm embrace. He was so shocked he just stood there, arms at his sides like he used to.

"Dean, what…" he began.

"Shut up," Dean said, still not letting him go, in fact only squeezing harder. Castiel finally returned the hug and Dean clapped him on the back once before pushing away, holding Castiel by the shoulders. "That was to remind you that we're family," Dean told him firmly. "No matter what, Cas, we got your back."

"What he said," Sam smiled as he too pulled Castiel into a firm embrace. Castiel's body sang with warmth and the love he felt from his two adopted human brothers. He had told Joshua he belonged with them, and he saw now that he hadn't been wrong.

"Thank you," he told them, unable to help the smile that crept onto his face. "But you're right, Dean. We have work to do. Kelly Kline is still out there, our job is far from over."

Dean rolled his eyes slightly. "Just another day in paradise," he muttered as he pulled out his keys and went around to the driver's side door.

But as Castiel slid into his usual position, he realized that, despite the pain, despite the hardships of the life he lived, he would never trade what he had here on Earth with the Winchesters for paradise.

Family was worth far more than that.


End file.
